Hallucinogens (Ryden)

IV

"Met any ladies lately Spence?" Ryan laughed, nudging his friend. This was all a haze and quite honestly, Ryan wasn't completely sure what was going on.

"Not anyone worth keeping around. What about you? Any lady caught your eye?" Spencer replied with his words slurring together slightly.

Ryan laughed.

"Yeah, thought so. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen you with anyone before," Spencer noted, taking a sip of his newly poured drink.

Ryan tipped his imaginary hat to Spencer, "that's 'cause I have class."

To Ryan it felt like everything was blurry around the edges, everything else ever so slightly out of focus. It felt almost as if the world was moving at a fast pace, leaving Ryan to miss some moments completely. 

A couple other people walked into the room and Spencer got up to greet them. Ryan stayed back, he had never been one to socialise much. Or at least not in recent years.

Spencer's friends didn't care much for Ryan anyway, they just accepted he was always there. 

The night carried on and Spencer was still the life of the party. Bob had gone off with some girl at one point, Ryan was pretty sure she had a boyfriend but then again Ryan was also pretty sure neither her or Bob cared for that.

There was some guy tripping on acid in the corner and Ryan had started talking to him at some point. Purely for the amusement. The guy was completely fucking out of it and Ryan wouldn't be surprised if the guy woke up tomorrow and was still tripping.

The guy was lying on the floor now, pointing into the air and swinging his arms around. Ryan noted that this was probably what he looked like when he first got into drugs. He always opted for being drugged out of his mind, he had thought that was the best way to forget.

Ryan hadn't been completely wrong, it had worked. But still, he preferred taking things now so that he still vaguely remembered the days he would spend tripping. Things where he still had some form of control. He really didn't need a repeat of that time he had a bad trip and had several panic attacks. Although, as long as it made him forget, Ryan didn't care all too much what it was.

The days came and went and Ryan was utterly unaware of what he spent his time really doing. Vague memories of odd shapes and colours and things that weren't really there flashing before him every so often. Ryan didn't like going to these big parties. He liked staying in his own room or going to one of Spencer's parties.

Spencer may have been a bit of a drug lord but he had always kept an eye out for Ryan- and he reckoned he owed him for that in someway. He was a good friend and Ryan, well Ryan was a mess. Sat  in the bathroom with his legs pulled to his chests and just willing and begging himself to calm down. Trying to convince himself that it wasn't real and that it didn't happen. But then he'd remember, so fucking vividly, he'd see her and he'd remember the smell of her perfume again. The horrible stench of her cheap perfume and suddenly it felt like he was there again. It was happening again. And he was so helpless, so fucking helpless. He couldn't speak and he couldn't move and the sobs were tearing through his body.

He hated this, this was the worst. It had always been the worst. He could somewhat deal with the dirty feeling left on his body, after all, that feeling had lessened over time. But the panic attacks, those had stayed. He felt as if every time it was getting worse.

But it passed. It always passed. But the memories didn't go away. He could never stop thinking about it. So he resorted back to drugs. Like he always did whenever things got too bad. 

Ryan didn't have enough though. Not enough drugs to fuck him up this time. So once again he was forced to leave the apartment, Bob by his side already texting a couple friends of his.

The only decent party they could find was really close to the university. Most of the people there were university kids. Ryan used to be one of them, not that long ago. Balancing partying with his studies. But all of that got a bit messed up.

The party was shit. But he hadn't expected any less from a university party on a Tuesday night. Ryan was absolutely baked. The world was his oyster and he was a pearl and maybe not everything seemed so bad.

Then again that really didn't make sense but Ryan felt all fuzzy and warm and he was really fucking hungry-

And that's the moment Ryan reckoned his heart stopped as his eyes met those of another boys across the room. Deja vu much?