Hallucinogens (Ryden)

XVIII

"Ryan?" No reply.

"Ryan?" He called louder through the bathroom door. The only sound was that off his own breathing and the shower that had been running for all too long.

He banged on the door, "Ryan, I swear to god if you don't open this door.."

He heard a low voice, almost drowned out by the loud sound of the water, "I'm fine.. please just leave me alone."

Brendon sighed, inaudible to Ryan, "I don't believe that, you've been in there for almost two hours."

He received no reply. He only heard the water being shut off and then Ryan unlocking the door and passing Brendon, without a word, in only his boxers and a shirt.

Brendon knew he shouldn't be getting annoyed, he knew, but that didn't stop him from feeling that way. He understood that what Ryan had told him had taken a lot of his energy but he didn't understand. And there wasn't much he could do about that. It was hard to understand such a thing when he hadn't had it happen to himself. He understood that it must have been awfully traumatic but he would never understand it any deeper than that. He could never understand why Ryan seemed fine some days and a total mess the next. Why Ryan sometimes refused to touch, or even stand close to his boyfriend. Or why sometimes, more often that not, he would shower longer than necessary and come out with bright red skin that looked raw.

Brendon wanted to help more than anything, but he didn't know how to do so. And as he walked into the bedroom, seeing his boyfriend lying on their bed, all curled up, his heart broke for what felt like the millionth time today. Ryan looked so much more than just sad, he looked traumatized, damaged and in such desperate need of help. Help that he refused he needed.

It was as if his eyes were closed to reality. He had locked himself up in a box containing only the worst of himself. It wasn't that Brendon thought Ryan was choosing this it was more so that Brendon saw it as a metaphor. A metaphor to explain to his desperately aching heart that it wasn't Ryan's fault, he had been locked in a box the night his life had fallen apart. 

Brendon was still able to see Ryan for who he was, for all his faults that he so adored. He saw him for everything he was and he still.. adored him. There was no one Brendon would rather be falling in love with. He wish he could tell Ryan that, but he knew it wasn't the time.

He walked over to Ryan and knelt next to him so that they could see eye to eye. It was then that Ryan looked up and Brendon saw the pain in his eyes, that he felt he had discovered the true feeling of hopelessness. The desperation to scoop Ryan up and hold him so tightly that all his broken pieces would magically stick back together was stronger than ever. But instead he settled for gingerly placing his hand on top of Ryan's. Who in turn intertwined their fingers.

A simple action that still made Brendon's heart swoon. He met Ryan's eyes once again and spoke softly, "are you okay?"

Ryan looked like he wanted to burst out laughing at the question, but instead the broken look remained dominant on his face. Brendon noticed immediately what he had said, "I'm sorry, dumb question, I know. I'm just worried about you."

"You shouldn't be," Ryan replied, his tone of voice sounding more dead than alive.

"But I am," he countered, "and that's not going to change. Now, do you want to talk about it?"

Ryan sighed and then hesitated, "I'm not sure, I know that if I do talk about.. t-that it will probably just end up with me crying but then again not talking would probably end the same way."

Brendon ran his thumb tentatively over the top of his boyfriends hand, "then let's talk."

Ryan sighed again and pulled his  hand away from Brendon's. He moved over on the bed and patted the space beside him. Brendon sat beside him and loosely put his arm around Ryan. 

Ryan bit his lip and spoke, "I know I should be, not over it, but at least dealing with it in a healthier way by now, but I let it run my life. Before I met you, I hadn't had a real conversation with anyone since it had happened. I cut myself off entirely."

Brendon didn't dare interrupt.

"I'm so sorry, I know you didn't expect me to be this way when we missed and you weren't expecting some druggy guy with way too many issues to be your boyfriend-"

That's when Brendon interrupted, he wouldn't listen to Ryan talk about himself in that way, "don't, just don't talk about yourself in that way Ryan, you are so much more than that to me, so so much more. I really like you and I don't care how messed up you think you are. It won't change my feelings. You need to see that I view you as so much more than just some druggy with issues. You're so beautiful to me, Ryan, you really are. I adore every aspect of you, no matter what you say, it will remain that way. Your past doesn't control you."

"I wish I'd known that when I let it ruin my life."

The sharp claws of the event had not yet let it's grip loosen on Ryan. They were dug so deep that they were ingrained into Ryans existence. He could only hope to find the power to rip them out. Even then he'd be left with the scars.