Hallucinogens (Ryden)

XI

Ryan never fell asleep that night. He lay awake pondering his life. The usual- 'how did I end up this way?', 'why me?' -situation.

Ryan had watched the moon descend and the sun was now pouring it's colours in through the windows effectively painting the small apartment.

Brendon came out of his room a couple hours after sun rise. He didn't acknowledge Ryan and simply went into the kitchen and made himself some cereal.

When he returned to the living room Brendon almost dropped his cereal, "jesus, I forgot you were staying here."

Ryan gave a half hearted chuckle and moved over, "d'you want to sit?"

Brendon walked over and sat down, leaving considerable space between the two of them. Now that he could see Ryan up close he noticed the dark circles that adorned his skin along with the red hue the scorching shower had left behind.

Brendon was concerned, "did you even sleep?"

Ryan let out an audible sigh, "not really."

"You should've taken the bed."

He shook his head, "no no, I just have trouble sleeping in new places. But it's fine, I'll get used to it soon."

Brendon hummed, "I still think you should take the bed. I really wouldn't mind sleeping on the couch."

Ryan shook his head, "we've had this conversation- it's fine."

"Okay but that doesn't explain the red skin? Sorry i-"

Ryan cut him off, "it's okay. I just didn't know how to use your shower and accidentally turned it up too high. It must've burnt my skin more than I thought."

"Oh- oh shit. Does it hurt?" Brendon's voice held concern. Ryan would be lying if he said it wasn't nice to have someone care for him again.

Ryan shook his head, "no, I barely noticed. I'm sure it will go away soon."

Brendon came home later that night after his lecture and Ryan had been drowning in his thoughts. Both of them were happy to be in one an others company again although it had only been a couple hours.

They were now eating pizza whilst watching some boring show and small talking. Brendon had just left the room for a minute and came back with a well rolled joint and lighter in his hand.

He leant on the doorframe, placed the joint between his lips and lit it. Ryan couldn't help but stare at Brendons perfect lips.

Brendon gestured to the joint, "want some?"

He nodded. The pair of them ended up downloading all the seasons of pretty little liars and had started binge watching. Ryan had fallen asleep laid on Brendons lap.

Brendon felt like his heart might explode from the fluttery feeling. He gently stroked the hair out of Ryans face.

Ryan mumbled something inaudible to Brendon.

Brendon hummed, "what is it babe?" The nickname just slipped out of his mouth so naturally. Like he was meant to use it with Ryan.

"'M tired," Ryan moved his head so it was pressed into Brendons thigh. 

Brendon picked Ryan up bridal style at which he shrieked with surprise and then nestled himself in Brendons neck. He loved the warmth of another human being. Brendon gently placed him down into the bed, unsure if he should join. Ryan let out a small whining noise and made grabby hands in Brendons general direction. Brendon took Ryans hands in his own and started delicately playing with his fingers. Ryan pulled onto Brendon until he fell onto the bed, landing right a top of Ryan. Brendon caught himself so both of his hands were on either side of Ryans head.

Ryan hated that his heart rate sped up and that he was almost paralysed. This was Brendon. Not her. He couldn't be normal no matter how hard he tried. The memories always came back to haunt him.

His breathing got heavier.

Brendon stared into Ryans eyes. He noticed the panic that had started to show visibly on Ryans face. He rolled off him and to the side. Their faces inches apart.
"Sorry didn't mean to invade your space," Brendon whispered into the small empty space left between the two.

Ryan gulped, sensing how their two faces were growing closer together, "it's fine."

He could feel Brendons warm breath on his face now. The two of them were looking from one an others lips and eyes. Searching for a sign from the other to do what they had both been aching for.

Brendon was the one to close the gap between them. It started open mouthed and passionate until Ryan stopped responding. His lips no longer moving in sync with Brendons.

Brendon pulled away and looked up at him through his eye lashes. Ryans mouth was hanging open and his eyes were half lidded. He looked perfect in every sense of the word and Brendon wanted to kiss him again.

"What's wrong?" Brendon asked the boy who was still quiet.

He responded to quietly for Brendon to understand him.

"I can't.. do this," he said and got up from the bed, walking back into the kitchen.

Brendon was confused. Was there a boyfriend he didn't know of? Did Ryan simply not like him?

Brendon followed him into the kitchen. Ryan was pacing back and forth, rubbing at his already red arms.

"Ryan, please tell me what's up?"

"I can't do this. This won't work. I can never be.. It just won't work out."

"Ryan, Ryan, calm down. It's okay," he shushed him, "now tell me what is it? What won't work?" Brendon was worried, he didn't understand and he doubted he'd get a clear answer.

"We.. We won't work," Ryan looked down, "I-I'm sorry."
He walked out. Brendon was too dumb struck to reply or stop him. He stood there for a while after he heard the door shut.

What just happened?

A/N: I got super stoned and I'm still super stoned and I wrote most of this stoned. Sorry if it's awful but I was in the mood!