Hallucinogens (Ryden)

XIII

Ryan was trying. He really was. But he couldn't withstand the cravings, especially with the pressure of this new 'thing' with Brendon. Ryan caved. Scraped his money together and got a friend discount on it to fuck himself up.

He was so fucked up. Words couldn't describe how the world was currently like in his eyes. It was.. surreal, just what he had wanted. Any thoughts of struggles replaced by the feeling of a high. Ryan was making his way back to Brendon's apartment now, which most likely was not the best idea, but hey, he wanted pizza and Brendon had exactly that in his fridge. It's not like he had anywhere else to go anyway.

To Ryans dismay, Brendon was in fact home. And he noticed Ryan's state rather quickly. After all, Ryan was mumbling and stumbling, making non sensical phrases spill out of his mouth. Brendon was trying to help but Ryan wasn't letting him touch him.

"B, just- I, I can do it," Ryan giggled slightly whilst getting distracted by the fairy-like creature he could see.

Brendon sighed, "just come here," he pulled roughly on Ryans shoulders, tugging him in direction of the bedroom. Ryan immediately stiffened but went without a word. His euphoric feeling was crashing. The world he was attempting to hide in was falling down on him. He was suffocating.

They had made it to the bedroom and Brendon had let go of Ryan. He had attempted to lay him down on the bed but he just would not comply. He was staring and looking just past Brendon.

"Ryan."

"Ryan! Snap out of it," he tried to get his attention by speaking louder.

Brendon got not reaction, "jesus christ," he sighed. Ryan was still acting similar to a statue. Brendon threw his back onto the bed and let out a deep sigh. He closed his eyes. Brendon wanted to help. But fuck knows he had no idea what to do. Ryan was a massive mystery. And it seemed that no one knew what was going on his head.

Brendon heard gentle sobs and sat back up, only to see Ryan now sat on the floor against the wall, with tears streaming down his face. He was still completely out of it. Brendon moved to sit next to him. He tried to put a comforting arm around Ryan but he only sobbed harder, so he thought it was better to leave out the physical comfort.

Instead he took a different approach, he sat straight across from Ryan, so that they could look into one another eyes comfortably. Brendon's voice was soft and gentle, "Ryan, can you tell me why you're crying?"

Ryan sobbed, his words ragged and broken, "i-it won't le-eave me a-alone."

"What is 'it'?" He was genuinely curious. It seemed that this was more than just a high now. Something was plaguing Ryan and it hurt Brendon to see him like this. His beautiful brown hair was hanging limply into his eyes, his eyes were puffy and tear tracks stained his face. God damn, he looked like a mess but shit, Brendon thought he looked absolutely perfect.

Ryan started over exaggeratedly shaking his head, letting out a few contorted 'no's'. He stopped shaking his head and lifted it from the position it had been hanging the entire conversation. He looked into Brendon's eyes, "Pizza?"

Brendon chuckled and cracked a small smile through the frown that previously adorned his face, "you want pizza?" Ryan nodded enthusiastically.

"Okay. I'll go put it in the oven."

"Ryan?"

Ryan was lying curled up on the sofa next to Brendon. His head was resting gently on Brendon's shoulder. He had sobered up by now and Brendon could only hope he would get some sense out of him. The bad high he'd had earlier was what Brendon hoped, only that, a bad high. Not anything real that was affecting Ryan in a bad manor.

"Can you explain to me what you were on about earlier?" His tone was soft and careful.

Ryan sat up and looked into Brendons eyes, "what do you mean?"

Brendon hesitated, he could tell it was a sensitive topic, "you were saying that something wouldn't leave you alone."

Ryan stiffened slightly, his defense walls immediately going up, "oh I don't know, must've been the high."

Brendon raised his eyebrows skeptically, "are you sure? Because you seemed really messed up about it."

Ryan just shook his head, "can we just forget that ever happened?"

"Sure, if that's what you want?"

He nodded and buried his face into Brendons side. Brendon put his arm around what he hoped he could call his boy and placed a feather light kiss on to his forehead.

Although the entire situation seemed calm and slightly loving, Ryans thoughts were nothing like that. He was thinking about how differently Brendon would look at him if he knew. If he knew how messed up he was and how he was nothing but a broken man.

He was sure he'd find it pathetic, the way such a stupid thing had messed him up for life. Brendon deserved better than Ryan and Ryan was far too aware of it.

He wouldn't want a broken boyfriend. Someone he had to treat like a fragile vase. He ought to simply run away. Away from what could lead to the most heartbreaking thing he would experience. Because he really liked Brendon, an awful lot. And he'd be suprised if it wasn't him who'd make it all crash and burn. He'd be the one to hold the match and the second Brendon found out- sparks would fly. And not the good kind.