captive.

same mistakes.

Its been a month since I've last seen Cash or Ahmir. I see Dash almost everyday but he doesn't bring up his sister because he knows I'm still hurt. Kareem and my mom have helped me sooooo much. It's great to have genuine people who care for you. I've stopped cutting, but my other addiction might be worse. Ive started smoking and doing a little drugs. I'm not a complete addict I just do it when I'm thinking a lot. It helps me forget.

I haven't been to school since the whole "situation". I'm homeschooled again and it feels a hell of a lot better. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror I feel my confidence come back. I tell myself I'm beautiful. My magical dark skin, my big, pretty, luscious lips, and my broad nose. I'm starting to love it all. It'll take time but that's okay.

I've also been doing therapy. Going to a shrink can actually help. Strictly psychology, no medication or anything. One method (besides drugs) that helps me is writing poems about how I feel. Most people would say it's just like writing in a journal, but poems are different. You use word play and rhythm to describe how you feel. Everyone that hears it or reads it will think of the poem in a different way. They'll feel something different and that's the magic of it.

I'm in Kareem's room lying on the bed and drinking a smoothie from McDonald's. We've became closer than ever. I'm one hundred percent comfortable with him, but I still keep my distance from him. Why? Well, being hurt again, even by a friend, will put me on edge. I don't need that right now.

He comes in with a chicken caesar salad and I jump with joy. I've been eating more lately but healthy. I mean who knew that being a despondent, heartbroken girl would give you a bomb ass body. So I'm trying to keep my body fit and in shape.

Kareem has on a pair of basketball shorts and Nike slides. Everytime I look at his body I just get a little moist. Oops.

"Hmm I thought you weren't gonna get it." I said, referring to the salad.
"Who said this is for you?"
"I did, now give it here."
After 5 minutes of me wrestling him and slapping his chest he gave it to me.

I always win.

I'm eating my salad and we're watching reruns of Teen Wolf. And well Kareem is laying in-between my legs, this is us on a daily basis, after we're both done with homework this is what we do. We're comfortable and we don't have to be labeled as boyfriend or girlfriend to do things like this.

"Do you think that appearance is more important in a relationship?" I asked him out of curiosity.
"Kids these days think so."
"Do you think that it should?"
"Not at all, I'm more interested in a female's knowledge."
"I beg to differ."
"Why?"
"You seem like the typical heartbreaker, sweet talk girls in bed and leave em dry on the curb."
"Don't compare me to those ignorant, moronic fucks who use women as objects. A woman is more than just her body. A woman is art. I look at a woman's physical appearance but I don't judge or stereotype her.

I cherish her presence. I don't sexualize women, I don't hurt women. Why should I? Women are God's creations, so are men. I don't see the point of degrading a gender or base them off of that society bullshit."

I mumble to myself," Well then," and started eating my salad again.