Missing || yoonmin

Chapter 42

Jimin's P.O.V

I didn't think it would come out like this, I wanted to keep it to myself for as long as possible.

I didn't think Yoongi would say those words so soon, I didn't realize his feelings for me were that deep already, I was too selfish and caught up in my own feelings. I didn't know this would happen, I didn't want this to happen.

I knew I should've said something as soon as I found out and now everything's just screwed up and it's all my fault.

It's all my fault that Yoongi loves me. It's all my fault that he's going to hurt if he says those words.

The day we found my body in Yuna's basement is the day I found out. I don't know how, but the reality struck my brain like a lightning bolt and I knew exactly what was going to happen to me.

I knew that there was no chance of me living.

As I was explaining this to Yoongi, he just sat there quietly, not looking at me at all, and I tried my best to keep my composure but it wasn't working very well.

"The poison Yuna injected me with really messed with the limbic system of my brain which controls all my emotions. If you tell me that you love me, it'll overwhelm that part of my brain so much that I'll wake up. I'll wake up, but the poison will take action as soon as I do and I'll die."

"Why didn't you tell me." He spoke quietly, monotone, and I saw his hand clenched tightly as he still didn't meet my eyes and all I wanted to do was cry.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to freak out or get hurt or-"

"Don't you think it hurts a bit more now though?" He spat out, finally turning to face me. Rage was reflecting off his eyes and I just felt so small and so vulnerable and I began hyperventilating internally.

The side of me I did not miss, the side of me that did not know how to deal with situations made it's appearance, and I tried my best to communicate with Yoongi, but the tears kept pricking at my eyes and I couldn't get any words out.

"I'm sorry." I whispered and looked down at my feet, trying to steady my breath.

"So you're telling me, you let me believe that you would wake up, when all along, you knew that you wouldn't? Why would you give me that fucking false hope Jimin? Why?"

"Because I was only thinking of myself and I wanted to protect your feelings and-"

"Really? Well you didn't do a very good job at that. Shit. What are we going to do now Jimin." His voice started off loud but decreased as he went on, until it cracked and he covered his face with his hands.

"There's nothing we can do..."

"I just won't say it then."

"Yoongi-"

"If I don't say it, maybe you'll wake up some other way and-"

"Yoongi, no, there's no other way for me to wake up. The reason I'm here, the reason you see me, it's all so that I could get closure. If you tell me you love me, I'll disappear."

"What kind of fucked up God came up with that?" His voice sounded hoarse and I couldn't tell if he was crying or not.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing, it's not your fault."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not going to fucking say it. I never will. Then you'll be here forever, right?"

"I'm afraid that's not how it works Yoongi... There are hospital bills. Eventually my parents would have to pull the plug."

"This isn't fair."

"I know it isn't... I've come to accept it though... Hopefully you can too?"

"How can I accept the fact that the person I lo- the person I have feelings for is fucking going to die no matter what?" He uncovered his face and I could see his red eyes and pained expression.

"I'm sorry."

"We'll just wait until your parents pull the plug, I'm not going to say it."

"But if you drag it out longer, it's just going to hurt even more Yoongi, please understand."

"No, I'm not going to say it Jimin. I don't care if it's going to hurt more, I can't lose someone else right now. My sister, my parents? They're fucking gone. My friends are here, yeah, but you're the only one on my mind right now Jimin."

"Yoongi, you have to let go."

"How can I let go when I only just began holding on?"

"You're not understanding. It'll be easier this way."

"I don't want the easy way out."

"But I do."

"You can't be serious right now..."

"I'm not saying you have to do it right now, but sometime soon, please? For me?"

"I can't believe you're asking me this. You want me to let you die?" He emphasized his words

"I'm going to die anyway Yoongi."

"I won't accept it."

We sat in silence. I tried to calm myself down but I felt the familiar feeling of a panic attack rising within me and I tried to push it away. It got ten times harder to breathe and the world around me was shaking and I was dizzy and all my emotions swirled within me.

I reached for Yoongi and my arm went right through him, it was happening again.