Missing || yoonmin

Chapter 50

"What?" I questioned him, my voice shaky– distraught and confused. My mind went blank.

We were in the hospital together that day. He asked me to set up a day where all his family and friends came to visit. So that's what I did.

They left not too long ago, but I wanted to stay longer, and Jimin did too.

I should've been suspicious. I should've expected it. I should've pieced it together.

Why he was staring at his parents with a mistful glaze in his eyes.

As he looked at Taehyung and Jungkook with gratitude written all over his face.

The despair when they left the room.

"Please..." He spoke in the smallest voice. I noticed his eyes were watery and he looked down to the floor.

I stayed quiet and sat down on the chair next to Jimin's hospital bed, a million thoughts suddenly rushing through my head as I looked at the actual Jimin. All of them about Jimin, and then gradually changing to thoughts about what life would be like without him.

He didn't speak again, and he turned to leave the room, but I stopped him.

"Is this really what you want?" I felt a lump in my throat and my voice grew hoarse. I didn't dare to look up at him, not wanting to see his facial expression.

"Yes." He admitted, and in that moment, I felt like I was falling. Like I was drowning, suffocating.

I began to recall what he had just said to me seconds ago, and I swear my heart disintegrated on the spot.

"I want you to let me go. Please. I'm tired of this." I stood there, my mouth agape as he let out a quiet sob.

"A life is not worth living if you're not enjoying it to its full capability. I hate not being able to interact with anyone else. I'm sick of it, please. For me. Please let me be free?"

"Am I not enough?" I wondered. Did Jimin not want me anymore? Did he not love me anymore? Was I nothing to him now?

"No, Yoongi, no, it's not you."

"'It's not you it's me'? Huh?" I spat out, my head whipping upwards to finally face him, immediately regretting it. The look on his face... I stared at the iv connected to Jimin's body.

"Yoongi..." He was at a loss for words.

It was really all my fault.

I did this to myself.

I knew that I would only end up more hurt if I kept him here longer.

I knew he would become unhappy as time went on.

I knew.

And now he was ready to leave.

Jimin was ready and I wasn't ready. Plain and simple.

I was once again a mixture of emotions.

Jimin was just as hurt as I was, yet I still wanted to be selfish.

"You know what? I was– I was just kidding okay? Forget everything I said. I'm sorr–"

"No." I shook my head and stood up again. "Don't do that. Don't try to make me happy, this is your life we are talking about, and it's your decision and I don't agree with it at all. But you should be fighting me, not taking pity on me."

"I'm sorry."

"Fuck, Jimin." I began crying.

"I know." He hugged me, and I instantly wrapped my arms around him, holding him tightly against me.

I ran through this scenario many times in my head– how I would approach it and whatnot. But I never imagined the actual feelings that would be running through my body. Fear. Regret. Depression.

We just held each other. I hid my face in the nape of his neck, and his hands clutched the back of my shirt.

"You know I love you, Yoongi. This has nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong. You helped me."

"I know." I barely choked out.

"I love you so much."

The hesitation. Without me being able to stop the words from coming out–

"I love you too, Park Jimin."

And then, I couldn't feel him anymore.

He was fading and I pulled away and opened my eyes and see him smiling at me.

"Thank you."

"No!" I shouted panicking and gasping for air. Trying to grasp what wasn't there. My hands just went right through his body.

"Thank you so much, for everything."

"JIMIN!" My voice was caught in my throat.

"Thank you, Yoongi."

These couple of seconds felt like a lifetime.

I would never forget his smiling face, as he stared at me with such anguish and endearment in his eyes.

And then I reached out and he was gone.

He was gone.

I tried to reach out one last time but I grabbed nothing.

He wasn't there.

And then I hear the heart monitor beep uncontrollably.

I run to stand beside the hospital bed and grab Jimin's hand.

His eyes flutter open for just barely a moment and he looks at me, a tear sliding down his face before the heart monitor goes flat, one long unending sound filling the room.

And then I'm crying harder, and there's doctors shoving me out the door and they're trying to bring him back, they're trying and they're failing, and I know they won't be able to bring him back even if they think they can restart his heart, shouting, "Clear!" every single time they attempt. And I'm fighting the doctors pushing me back because I want to stay by Jimin, I want to be with him, but they're still pulling me out the room.

A million thoughts in my head, now pounding, dying to break free. I wanted to say all the words I hadn't said yet, I wanted to scream to the world exactly how I was feeling and how unfair life was.

Memories, memories swirling into the air around me, and I'm trying to catch them and arrange them in the right order, but they're fleeing from me, and everything is so blurry and unclear and I'm still sobbing, still being dragged away from the one I loved, the one I've been with each and every day for such a long time and it hurts, it hurts more than I could ever imagine any pain could ever hurt.

First Yerin, now Jimin. The same pain, if not worse, having to deal with it a second time.

Someone I love, gone, right before my eyes.

And then everything went black.

____________

Not over yet