Beaming Hope

2. One year is all it took

That year my sister Aileen was born, she was all I could ask for. Having an 8 year age difference was perfect, sure I wouldn't be able to take her with my friends when I grew older and we would have many differences but I didn't care I was no longer an only child I was no longer alone. At that time I would not know how much I should be grateful for, and how much I would need my sister. Without her I would have probably gone down the deep end.

It all started out gradually, and like a domino each problem collided and everything and everyone came crashing down. 

My father fell and had to have surgery, my sister had only been a few months old. My father due to the injury was unable to work, I was young but that was the first domino to fall. After that My mother had to take up her old job, my parents were stressed because of financial reasons.  My fathers income was what my family depended on. My parents then started to change. All the stress was getting to them. It took a toll on their relationship. They were never the same after that. My father was completely healed and started to work again but my mother no longer wanted to feel less important, she then made her first priority her job. I had multiple nannies come and go, I had parents but only when they felt like it. With their work schedules they barley came home to find each other. My sister and I grew up on our own, my parents rarely spoke to my other family. They were centered on giving us ' the life we deserved' they didn't know that that is not what we needed. 

We needed them to be there; spend some time with us thats all we needed.

I was the one to watch my sister grow up, as years passed and as I grew old enough I started to take care of her full time. I took her to school every morning before my bus picked me up, I picked her up every day waiting an hour till her school bell rang. I knew her teachers and I helped her with her home work. Growing up my mother was my best friend but that all had changed when she took her job over her family. 

My parents spoke to each other and in front of everyone they put on a mask, and acted like we all were ok. They missed my ceremonies my sisters big steps, and my sister knew they were our parents by name basically. I at my young age was left to raise my sister. I didn't break because I knew I had her. Sure we had nannies but they weren't of no help and I knew I couldn't get attached because they would always come and go.

My parents got to a point few years later that when they spoke, it wasn't on peaceful grounds they would always argue. They thought I didn't know and put up a 'happy' mask in front of me. They didn't realize that I could hear every yell, all the exchanges of word. All of those letters put together cutting and restraining me from my sleep.

Soon after they started sleeping in different rooms and my dad would sneak off before he thought I would notice. They didn't know I knew.

Afterwards It got worse but they still faked it. At family gatherings and social events they put up the front of being the perfect family, yet I knew the truth. They did not see how much it affected me they didn't even remember all the promises they would make us. A couple times they forgot our birthdays, but my sister never noticed because I baked her a cake and got her a present every year. She would ask questions but we both had to grow up before we were supposed to.

A moth before my eighteenth birthday as I was starting senior year, I was basically a full on mother, teachers barley saw my parents and us for us well we saw them occasionally since they would both leave early and come home late. I guess for my parents we didn't matter.

What I did learn from them was how to put up a front.

In front of my parents I was an innocent angle, I knew nothing.

To my sister I had to be strong and act as if nothing was ever wrong no matter how much pain I was in.

At school to my friends and to my teachers I was a cheerful free spirt, they would never guess how much pain and how cold my heart really was. I loved people easily and I am very mellow. I never speak out of turn and put others first, I always came second. No one with my 'happy' mask would ever guess or understand how truly alone I was. How lonely and hollow I was.

The people who were supposed to be there for me, the ones who I was supposed to receive comfort from were never there for me. I was left to care for my self and my younger sister for years because of their negligence. They were selfish and every birthday I just wished for a change no matter how small, yet every year life would stay the same and only years would pass and I grew colder and lonelier.

No one knew the truth, I could never speak of it because It hurt to much and I thought to others it would seem as something insignificant, And truthfully I was blessed many people had no parents and many more struggles, yet I was envious because they at lest had some one who wanted to be there for them. Someone who would love them, embrace them and fill them with love. I was empty yet needed to be there  to give my sister the love I didn't receive they love they didn't realize they were denying us.