FLIP-SIDE

277

To whoever I've hurt when I've been depressed:

I'm sorry. I'm not sorry for my illness, I am who I am. My depression doesn't make me who I am, of course, but I can't change that I have an illness. I have mental and physical illness, but there's no different--they both hurt. I wish I wasn't sick like I am, and I wish that I wasn't sad. I'm sorry if I've hurt you while I'm sad and while I'm hurting.

I hurt a lot, but I don't need to make you hurt, too. Maybe when people are in pain, they want others to cry with them--but it's not right. I'm sorry for being a bad person and a bad friend. I'm sorry for being immature and erratic, and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to deal with things well. 

I'm sorry that I'm so afraid these days, of losing the people who matter most like I've lost everyone else. I'm sorry that I'm so afraid of waking up and not being able to walk again. I'm sorry that I'm so afraid of...living. Because my fear is what drives my anger and my cruelty.

I'm sorry for my temper. I'm sorry for my low patience, and I'm sorry for my anger.

I'm sorry that I'm such a jerk and a bad friend and a bad everything.

I'm sorry I couldn't find the courage to tell you about the things that hurt me, I'm sorry I didn't want to share my feelings. I'm sorry I refused to lean on you, because I was afraid that I'd end up hurting you worse.

I'm sorry that I'm no fun sometimes. That I don't have spunk, and that I'm not always silly. It used to hurt when someone in particular would complain about me being "boring", and they blamed Lindsey for it. I used to wonder why they would say that, when they knew the reason why I was always so quiet and sad. It was as if they would rather me fake happiness, and pretend I was okay just for them.

I'm sorry if I've scared you. I found out I made my best friend cry once, because she thought I was going to commit suicide. I used to be so suicidal, and I attempted so many times. I overdosed on heroin once, I tried to shoot myself once, I tried to hang myself, cut myself--I had dozens of attempts. And I made some of you cry, I made you scared because you were afraid to lose me. I'm so so so sorry for that, and I never could be sorry enough. I didn't want to hurt you guys, I wanted to stop causing you pain.

You still would be afraid, when I would tell you how I truly felt. So I stopped telling you how sad I was, because I knew it'd hurt you. But it hurt you anyway, because you knew things were wrong and I wouldn't open up anymore.

I'm sorry if you've ever blamed yourself. If you ever felt inadequate and that you didn't make me happy. If you ever felt it was your fault, and that you weren't trying hard enough, and that you could have stopped me from trying to run away so many times. I'm so so so sorry, and know that it's NOT YOUR FAULT. It was never your fault!

I never wanted to drag any of you into the storm of my life, I never wanted to bring you up when I was having a happy-high, and then yank you down with me when I got low.

See, I have my highs and lows. I may be okay now, but I know better than to think that I'll be okay forever. I get happy and then I get sad--my emotions change with a flash. I'm diagnosed as bipolar, and my life is a rollarcoaster of ups and downs. I have my ups and I have my downs. I know I'll never be where I'm always ups, but I cling to the hope that I'll never be always down. I get sad at night and I'm happy in the day sometimes: and sometimes I'm sad for months and then happy for months. I hate that you guys have to deal with my mood swings, and deal with my breakdowns and my tantrums.

I won't hold it against you if you walk away. I understand perfectly if I make you sadder than you should be. If I stress you out, if I hurt you too much. I won't hold it against you, I've already forgiven you if you want to go. I've tried to much to go, of all sorts of kinds--I can't tell you stay if you want to go, too.

Thank you for being there in my ups and downs, for some of you who still saw good in me when I was bathing in bad. Thank you so much, I love you so much.

I hope you can forgive me, for all I've done. For all the stupid fights and drama and words and mean things and me being a buzzkills and bringing you all down. I'm so sorry for that, I want you all to be happy even when I'm not.
And I can't blame all my sins on my sadness or my disease--I know that it's most of it, and that things have been tough recently because I've lost so many people--to death and to their own choice of leaving. I don't want to lose you guys, but at the same time I wonder if it's best if I go or you guys go. Either way at least one of us will be happy (and that's you).

I am sorry for all the hurt I've caused. I've hurt so much, and I don't want you to hurt, too. I don't want you to feel sad or worthless or meaningless. I love you so much, and I hope that you will never have to go through all the things I've had to go through--but I'm not too much of a fool to think your lives will always be infinite sunshine and roses. Sunlight burns and roses have thorns. The good comes with the bad.

I'm sorry for everything, and I hope that one day I might not be this way--even though I know I'll always be this way.

xx