Dance of Life

Open my eyes.

How can change scare me Lord? How is it that something I once new but never once analysed strike me so badly, it hurts physically? I always felt like a monster Lord. Inside I always felt ugly and angry at everyone but myself then I hated myself for everything I did. I never...looked at myself Lord and now I ask you "What do you see in me?" What exactly do you see in me or about me that you called? I feel alive yet that feeling scares me because I never felt it before. I realized I never examined myself before either. I examined others, listened to their stories, analysed their behavior and what they must have felt at times but never looked at myself. Until now. I'm looking at my failures, my mistakes, my sin and blackness I try to hide; that I see but I never looked at my bright side. It's so weird and that's all I can say- all I can think Lord. Do I really know myself as well as I thought I did? God you have me and I know I must go through these things. I have prayed and asked to show me things through your eyes, not mine and now you are answering my prayers Lord. You showing me my darkness but you are also trying to show me the bright. I kick myself all the time it seems lately and I believe I deserve to be kicked but you also are trying to teach me to forgive myself and move on. It seems I've forgiven and been forgiven by everyone and you but I find it so hard to forgive myself at times. I find it sort of difficult to love myself after years of feelings like a failure. Little by little you are healing me and will continue to do so until I come home to You. You are teaching me not to doubt, be impatient, to learn and not let my gifts die. To not sell myself short and keep going to You and show You everything in my heart. I learned I don't know why I like the color blue and green. What my favorite food is. What my dreams mean. I don't know why I do the things I do or even why I don't wear the stuff I actually like. Jesus...Lord Almighty. I don't understand my feelings after suppressing them for so long. I don't know what it is about being in control that I feel the need to remain in control. I don't know why I'm so uneasy being what I am: A girl. I like dresses and being silly. I learned a lot from anime as a child before I took it so darkly. I'm learning how rebellious I am in my own way and how implosive I can become when I try taking everything on myself. I don't know why I try putting on a facade of calmness and perfection and strength when inside, I'm a baby calf just trying to stand after birth. I don't really know what I truly like anymore these days. Why something ticks me off or makes me afraid. I like bows but never really wear them. I like sewing but then get lazy. I love good guys in cartoons and movies and stories but I always have to see both sides of a story. I love writing my heart out; writing down my thoughts and creating characters that can relate to others. I like helping others but feel useless when I'm unable to do anything. I want to date but then I don't. I like weird things and movies especially from Tim Burton. I like harry potter and fanfiction still but I despise yaoi now (which is good because that stuff I learned messed me up big time!) I like Disney movies and found respect for Cinderella. I love the country side and being close to family. One day I too want to have children and treat them right. Teach them about you and all you're teaching me. I'm clueless about what I want to do in my life but writing is looking like my first choice. I like protecting others. I missed so badly talking to my family and not hiding anything. Being stuck in my house is kind of getting to me. I will finally admit I can be shy as heck and find it hard to talk to others even around my same age. I never really fit in and felt different from others. I don't want to be bad anymore or rebellious Lord but at times I feel that way and I am sorry for it. I want to learn not to feel rebellious but I know that also will take some time. My heart I find it hard to believe is just like my mom's but if it is Lord then I am honored because her heart also belonged (belongs) to You. I don't like confrontation. I don't like serious violence. I like horseplay and just being silly and watching movies or talking but I don't like seriousness. Serious fighting or even talking about a serious subject but I know that's important too. I like things I can relate to or certain characters that make me laugh and wish I was them. I like mostly the wise or funny or both wise and funny characters. Ones that teach something. I like stories that you can learn something from them. I like going in depth with things. Psychology being turned on me freaks me out but I need to see what's inside me. I want to see what You see Lord. I just need to know. Need to see. Want to see. I want to see more of the light and not the darkness. I want to see my flaws but also the goodness You see in me too. I want to understand more. Want to know You more and get deeper. My flesh is weak but my spirit is willing. I want to press on Jesus. I belong to You Lord Jesus and I want to accept everything. Open my eyes Lord.