This Is Our Sweet Blasphemy

My Heart Is Flawed (part 1)

I woke up the next morning with the ringing of my phone; something that hardly ever happened because Ivy's phone always rang before mine. My slightly puffed eyes from yesterday's crying scanned the room. I realized Ivy's bed was made and there was no sign of her anywhere. She probably made some friends while I was talking with the devil yesterday. I also realized that I hadn't talked to her yesterday, I didn't even know if she was in my room or not when I came back.

I started moving my legs and feet, flipping like a coin from one side to another trying to make my body and mind understand that I needed to get up for fucking mass. Yay.

Swinging my legs over the side of my bed I sat up and sighed. I was dreading the moment I was going to arrive at church and see Andy. Well, I wasn't dreading the fact I was going to see him; I was mostly just pissed that I couldn't play that smirk game he was so good at. Not to mention I was also very pissed at Macy. I just wanted to rip out her eyeballs and make her eat them so she could literally see how disgusting she really was on the inside.

I had so many things to do, I needed to talk to Alex about our 'date' and I needed to see if I could call my parents, plus I had homework to do. Those weren't even the main problems; I needed to find a way to get Macy the fuck out of my path towards Andrew.

Oh my God what am I saying? Since when did I become desperate in being with Andy? Was I always like this inside?

I groaned; there was too much shit going on with me right now. I shouldn't even be thinking about all of this right now; I was going to get a migraine at five in the fucking morning. I stood and started getting ready; brushing my hair, putting my uniform, brushing my teeth, etc...

I walked out of the room and locked the door, I was so hungry. I didn't even arrive at church yet and I was already bored. I walked alone, occasionally kicking the medium sized pebbles here and there. Every now and again I looked up and scanned the place, looking at the church, then to my left and right, probably in the hopes that someone would come and talk to me and let me rant about everything that was going on. I would actually love that someone to be Andrew but oh well.

I reached the steps of the church, opening the heavy door with a grunt. I entered to see many eyes on me. Once they realized who I was, they returned to their talking, gossip and giggles. Andrew still wasn't in the room. I looked around a bit while making my way to sit down, my eyes landed on a raven haired slut. She was looking at me with a slight smirk, probably in satisfaction with my puffed eye lids.

I made sure to be sitting as far away from Macy as possible, I was in the back, trying to untangle my earphones when I heard a clapping sound meaning a door has been closed. The sound resonated throughout the entire room, the chatter stopped and all eyes were on him. The priest contained his posture, he hand his head raised high and his back was straight, the only thing the clutched were his eyes. They were looking down, at the floor. I could see the sadness, the blues in the blue.

When he stepped up to start talking and preaching, he made no eye contact whatsoever with no one. I tried desperately to catch his gaze, looking at him with intensity. I just needed to feel the connection again. I needed to.

I started paying attention in his soothing voice; I wasn't paying attention in his words though, mostly in the way his lips moved and the way he pronounced every word. Only a few words stuck in my ears, they said "The kingdom of God is inside you, and all around you. Not in a mansion of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood, and God is there. Lift a stone, and you will find God."

He didn't look up; he didn't take his eyes off the bible for a second.

***

Once mass ended, I stood and looked at him, trying once again to catch his gaze. I felt something by my side; a presence of some sort. I wasn't in the mood to make an effort of moving my neck and taking my eyes off of Andy to figure out who was by my side. I was a hundred percent sure the person was meaningless and non important to me right now. I just wanted to feel the connection again. It's not that hard, I mean, the person by me could wait.
Andy just walked with the bible under his arm; he was looking up this time though. His eyes were fixed on the door leading to his office, like the only thing he wanted was locking that door and just forgetting about all the rest of the world.

I wondered what happened yesterday. I was terrified of what it could be.

The presence beside me moved, shifting the air. I saw the door close, but right before it did, when Andy turned to close it, I saw his beautiful blue orbs, his glass shattered eyes look into mine for a fraction of a second. A speck of hopefulness flooded through me when it did I sat down, as if the flood was so powerful it had pushed me.

I turned my head to see Ivy sitting next to me. Her eyes reminded me of Andy's; broken and blue. Her blond hair fell all over her face, I had to fight the urge to push them away and tell her that she needed to show the world her beautiful face. I waited for her to say something. After a few minutes, she perked up:

"Maybe... It's, well..." she put her hands together and started playing with her thumbs. "Maybe it's better if you leave." She spoke in such a quick rush that I almost didn't understand what she said. Almost.

I looked at her with a slight expression of confusion on my face. "What? You want me to leave?" I asked, feeling a bit hurt and outraged.

Her eyes widened "No! No, no, no. No, I mean, if you do leave, you won't have to deal with him anymore. You'll be free."

I stared at her. How could not seeing Andy and just leaving him to deal with Macy alone make me free? There would always be a nagging in the back of my mind telling me I abandoned him. "I'm hungry, let's go grab breakfast." I mumbled, then stood and looked back at her while she walked with me, once again by my side, as we made our way to the cafeteria in silence.

We were mostly silent after that little conversation. We sat in the loud cafeteria surrounded by talking extrovert preppy girls in silence. I was beginning to think she was regretting what she said because she was biting her nails furiously and glancing around the room nervously. I started making conversation to try to ease her down a little. Yes, I was a bit hurt by her wanting me to leave, but I don't think she meant it in a mean way, so I guess I'd have to let it go.

I guess talking made her feel better in a way because she stopped ripping the thin layer of skin from her fingers and using those now red fingers to eat her cereal. She continued looking around her though.

I just needed to start up the conversation for a while until she got eased with the situation then the rest was completely her talking; she talked about anything that came to mind. Since she knew I wasn't much of a talker but more a listener she kept the questions to a minimum.

She started chatting about the different types of people in the world and she took some examples from the people who were in the cafeteria, she was talking about these girls, making me look around to figure out who she was talking about, while I did so, my eyes landed on Macy, she was smirking her ass of and letting go a few high pitched giggles to the person next to her... That person was Andrew.

Ugh, I couldn't even look at them; I just caught Andy's facial expression before turning away. It was a mixture of guilt, pain, and annoyance. I don't think Ivy saw them together though, because when I turned back to face her she looked naïve to the whole situation. Not that I actually told her about what happened with Macy. I barely saw her once we got back.

That last thought made me wonder a few things... Why did Ivy say that 'I would be free' if I left? Why would she think that I wanted to be free? It didn't make sense. Well, there were many things not making sense today.

I pushed that thought aside and started thinking on how Andrew was going to react tonight as midnight. I didn't forget about it. Hell no, it was a persistent thought, always there, even when I was thinking about a completely different thing the thought was there, and not leaving until it happened.

I was totally happy that I would be seeing Andy, the only thing that worried me is that I had no idea if he was going to tell me what he did with Macy. I wasn't exactly worried, no, that's not the right word. I was... afraid.

Hum, still not the word. I guess I was more like... terrified.