This Is Our Sweet Blasphemy

No Stars In The Sky

It seemed like forever before she picked up, like she was hesitating in answering her fucked up daughter or not. When I heard her voice though, I couldn't say I was relieved... I was actually sort of regretting calling her.

"Hello?" her voice softer this time, more like a question too, it was the second time she'd greeted me with the same word; although with a change in tone. The first time she sounded a bit cold, the one I've gotten used to coming home to. That's probably why I hadn't replied the greeting that time, I was sick and tired of that tone.

I snapped back to the phone call and forced myself to croak out a few words: "Hey mom." a touch of sadness seeping through my words. I tried to push them back though, I didn't like people thinking I was weak, especially not my mother.

"Um, is everything okay, sweetie?" I was actually a bit surprised at that last word. It sounded foreign with her voice, coming through her mouth, especially because it was directed towards me. She never called me anything else then a 'dramatic teen'.

"Oh, uh, y-yeah." I paused, by the way I was saying things, even a monkey with auditory problems could hear the wrongness in my voice. So to try to fix whatever I felt like I needed to fix I added: "It's just that I miss you guys you know." I wasn't even lying when the words left my mouth. I was shocked by the truthfulness they held.

She didn't say anything; probably wondering if I was really her daughter or if this was all just some sick prank. I wondered where my father was. He would be the only one to convince my mother I was actually real. "Hey, is dad there?" I said.

Continuous silence at the other end. After a few seconds I could hear soft sniffles. Was my mother crying? "Mom?" I said, making sure she was still with me.

"Well, uh..." Another sniffle, like the last one after a long cry. "Your f-father isn't here at the m-moment." She stuttered.

"Oh, where is he then?" I asked, a hint of worry in my voice. My father didn't do much apart work, eat, sleep and pray; he led a very dull life in my eyes.

"He's, well, he's in the hospital." I didn't say anything; I had nothing to say, so she continued "He had a few health problems. And the doctor said he would be spending some time in the hospital. They..." she paused for a moment, probably trying to find the courage to confess something very severe. The pause seemed to last forever comparing to her previous sentences, those sounded like she was announcing the fact that they needed to buy more eggs and milk. "They said that he won't be getting out of there anytime soon... probably never."

I let that sink in for a moment. I needed to organize my thoughts. I needed to find a special place in my mind just for this thought so I could analyze it and figure it out. There wasn't must to analyze though, what she told me was simple; I just didn't want to accept it. Things like these were simple to understand, but the most complicated to cope with. My mother was saying something else, probably about my father's disease, his killer. I heard only a few words, like 'cancer' and 'skin'. I was blocking her out completely. I let my phone fall next to me on my mattress, not bothering to properly say good bye or even hanging up for that matter. I could distantly hear the worried cries from my mother coming through the little piece of technology, but I didn't care, I didn't care about much anything at that moment.

I just sat there. And I thought about everything that ever happened in my life that I could've done better. You don't realize how precious life is until death walks past you. I couldn't say I felt sad, or depressed, or even scared. I didn't feel anything actually. It was a numb sensation; I always had an emotion running around my head, even if the emotion was light and barely there, but this time was different. This time I didn't feel. I felt like sleeping forever, sleeping until all my problems went away.

For whatever the reason, I started to remember a class mate of mine, we weren't really friends, she didn't have friends at school, and neither did I. So we talked sometimes, since both of us were alone most of the time, we used to do projects together and stuff in that genre. One time we were talking about death during luch, and she confessed to me that she'd once attempted suicide. She told me she wouldn't dare do it again, because on the verge of death she didn't feel in control of her body or mind anymore. She said that the moment when she was closest to death, and saw her life flash before her eyes, was the moment she realized she didn't want to die. The moment she looked Death in the eye, was the moment she found the solution to all her problems. So I guess that now I understood what she meant; the moment I realized my father was about to die, was the moment I realized I actually loved him.

Of course he was like my mother, always scolding me, but still, he helped me grow up, he helped me walk, he was my father. A mostly shitty one, but he was there.

Ivy hadn't arrived yet, so I guessed she would be sleeping in the nurse's office today. Since today was Friday, tomorrow we wouldn't be having neither school nor church. I stood up, almost falling from the lack of strength in my legs and members. I wouldn't be going to dinner tonight. I would be going somewhere else. I needed to, or else i would die inside.

I wasn't crying, which I found odd and I mentally scolded myself for being a cold hearted asshole. Then again, I was numb, I wasn't thinking straight nor was I feeling anything. I walked like a zombie out of my room. My legs and movements were on auto pilot, I wasn't controlling myself anymore; it was as if invisible chains were wrapped all around me and pulling my body towards my destination. A few girls walked past me, I didn't pay attention to them at all, I just kept looking forward; they were probably going to dinner. So that meant that I had literally spent my entire afternoon with that deal with Macy and Ivy and that damned phone call, but I didn't care much.

I walked and walked under the dark sky, the sky wasn't shining at all in my opinion, as if the light from the moon and stars was dull and faded. I didn't mind if I was taking hours or seconds to finally arrive at the church because the darkness was cozy and familiar. Also because time was now something I was completely oblivious to. I just purely did not care what time it was to be honest.

I marched the front steps, since it was dinner time, Andrew wouldn't be here; he would have already left to the cafeteria, being the goody ol' priest he was. I walked past all the paintings and sculptures. It was the first time I had entered the church without admiring it. After all, I didn't care about much anything at the moment, especially not catholic furniture.

I opened the door to Andy's office; I spotted the phone quickly and easily. Picking it up in robotic mode, I pressed re-dial, hoping that Alex was the last person to have been called on this phone. It was a shot in the dark but I took it.

"Hello?" I heard his voice, sounding stuffed with food.

It took me a few moments to regain myself and mutter a few words, I didn't feel like talking at all, I just wanted to talk to Alex without having to move my mouth. "H-hi. Can, we, meet up?" I spoke softly and delicately, like my voice was about to break at any minute, which was actually possible to happen any time soon.

"Uhm, now?" he asked, this time his voice sounded clearer so I supposed he had swallowed his food.

I nodded. Then I remembered he couldn't see me so I forced out a little grunt, hoping he'd understand what I meant to say without words.

"Okay, my spidey senses are tingling... I think you don't feel so well. We'll talk about it when you get here. I'll come pick you up." On a normal basis I would crack a smile with his sayings, but right now, I was just grateful that he understood I was not in a good mood.

"I'll be there in a few." He added. Then he hung up and left me there, still with the phone in hand. I put it back in its place and looked around.

There was a door behind the priest's desk to the far right of the wall; probably his bedroom. I felt like going in there to see what I could find, but at the same time,

I just didn't care.