This Is Our Sweet Blasphemy

Suffocate Me

Tears were filling my eyes when I slammed the car door shut and leaned my forehead on the wheel. I felt like I was drowning but everyone around me was swimming with their heads above water so even if I screamed nobody could hear me. I did though. I screamed and hit the wheel three times exactly for good measure. It wasn't like that would help... Oh who am I kidding, of course it helped; I wouldn't dare hurt Andy so I hurt the steering wheel. Plus, my anger could roam freely for a few seconds; it's been a while since my emotions hadn't shown up.

The small drops of water poured from my eyes and roamed down my cheeks, a few stopped in the corner of my mouth and I was able to taste the saltiness, some continued down my throat and only finally stopped when they reached a piece of fabric, others dripped from my chin and exploded against my jeans or some part of Alex's car. I hated crying. I felt weak when I cried in front of people. I especially  hated crying because of him.

I mentally slapped myself, I need to get myself together and drive to Alex's place. I needed sleep. Yeah, that's all, I'm just tired, that's why I feel this way. I need to rest and give my brain some time to take in the information, it's not like me and Andy were together. We didn't have anything going on between us. Yeah we kissed once and we had a 'moment' but that doesn't mean we're together. I can't be mad at him because he did whatever to somebody else. It's not like I had feelings for him or anything.

I sighed and pulled my sleeve further up my arm so it hid my hand, this way the cotton fabric of my sleeve would be covering my fingers so I dabbed at the corners of my eyes in attempt to stop my tears from flowing. I sniffled a bit in the process. In my opinion, sniffling must be the worst part in crying.

Since my eyes were partially closed, I didn't see someone just outside the car door until they knocked against the window.At first I was surprised that someone would come disturb me while I cried. It was as if, since I was crying, nobody was going to come to me, like I was suddenly alone in the world since I was crying. Though that surprise turned into another emotion I couldn't quite describe the moment I saw the blue eyes staring back at me and the person they belonged to. Just by looking at his perfect muscle structure I felt like crying again, though I didn't because at the same time I felt like punching that muscle structure just for it to be imperfect. I didn't though.

He brought up his hands and made a movement that led me to suppose he wanted me to bring the window down. I stared at his hands, the long fingers and the pale skin. I couldn't bring myself to lower the window, to lower the only thing that separated us. But my body had other plans, I watched as my hand went to press the faintly lit button in hesitation. And I also watched as the window lowered itself, with every inch the slight smile on Andy's face grew in victory and he straightened his back, putting himself in that priest posture.

I sighed and sniffled once more. At that I mentally cursed myself for sniffling; there was no other way to make it more obvious that I was crying. His smile disappeared. While his mouth opened to speak, in the milliseconds before he actually spoke I dreaded the words coming out of his mouth though I waited impatiently to hear his voice.

Once I did though, I felt like jumping in his embrace.

"First things first," His eyes were piercing through me and part of me wasn't paying attention to anything he was saying, part of me was losing myself in those eyes with ease. He continued in his priest posture I deeply despised. "you can't leave school grounds whenever you want, so I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car..." he voice flattered but he picked up after a few seconds of reflection " and second... is this Alex's car?"

I felt my cheeks heat up and knew for sure the blood had rushed to my face. I nodded while taking away my eyes from his and looking at the street in front of me. Yes Father Biersack, I had stolen Alex's car to come see you because of the weird relationship I have with you, the priest, of this catholic school my mom sent me to because she wanted to get rid of me. He took a small step further into the street, away from the car, and I suddenly remembered that he had asked me to get out of the car and that he had used that authority tone of his I also hate with a passion. I thought about not obeying, like most times he had used that tone with me, but I knew that one way or another he'd end up getting me out of the car.

I sighed and opened the car door, well, more like swung the door open and not caring if Andrew was going to get hit by the door and end up flying to the other side of the street or not.

Once I was standing up in front of him, him being a few inches higher than me I looked at the end of the road, sometimes looking back at him while he just stared at me head on. The moment reminded me of the time he didn't know what to do with me at the bar. The memory made my heart ache.

He wasn't saying anything but he looked at me with curious eyes which made me more uncomfortable with each passing second. Finally, I couldn't handle the silence that had settled between us anymore, "I need to give his car back" were the only words I could find. He breathed out through his nose like a sigh but didn't take his eyes off me.

The cold breeze didn't fail to keep sending chills down my spine. The night was cold and I soon enough I was going to end up with pneumonia with this blasted school uniform.

Blasted. I mentally face-palmed myself at that one; I need to get out of here, sooner or later I'll be saying 'bloody' instead of 'fucking'.

Spring was already here but apparently winter liked to make an appearance at one in the morning. I've gotten to the point where my toes for ready to fall off.

"Get in the church... I'll bring his car back, tape a note to his windshield explaining the whole situation..." he said, still using that authority voice of his and I was ready to slap him if he talked like that to me one more time. He was already stepping around me to get into the car before he stopped next to me, I felt his boney fingers press against my cheek. I didn't look at him, I couldn't. I was afraid, I was afraid that if I did, if I did turn my head and face him, he would kiss me.

At my inattention, he dropped his hand and murmured a quiet "I'll make you a cup of tea when I get back." I shut my eyes at the same time I heard the slamming of the car door behind me. Once I heard the engine roar and the car move along with Andy inside fixing a problem I had created, I let out the breath I hadn't noticed I'd been holding.

I should have looked at him. I should have risked him kissing me. Anything would be better than the voice he had used and the words he had said instead. His low voice had been filled with regret and sadness. I could hear it as clearly as a dog heard a whistle.

I knew that the words he had said made my heart break ten times more than if he had kissed me.

With his voice echoing in my mind I made my way back to the place I ran away from.