This Is Our Sweet Blasphemy

Take Your Hand In Mine

Andrew has been to Alex's house many times before.

I came to that conclusion when he arrived only about 10 minutes after he had left. And I'm sure that's only because the bus back had taken about 5 minutes. I was expecting to have at least some time to myself to gather my thoughts but once I was settled in Andy's office chair drawing little sketches on a paper I had found which varied from little, cute grapes to realistic guns, I only had time to take some deep breaths and dry my face.

I also came to the conclusion that it had started raining slightly because when the door swung open to reveal a shaking with-dripping-hair-plastered-to-his-face priest, I only needed to hear the slushing sound coming from the sole of his shoes because of the mud to make it official: it had started raining and I wasn't going anywhere.

Before the office door opened I was thinking about two things in particular, first thing I was thinking about was the one and only Macy. If she suddenly appeared here I would be dead and Andy would be homeless (for all I knew he lived in this god-dammed church). I started worrying if she somehow found out and I was then annoying myself on how afraid I seemed of her. I shouldn't be afraid of a no-brainer like her. She should be afraid of me.

The second thing I was thinking about was, oh I really don't want to admit it, but yes, I was thinking about Andy. The way he spoke to me and the way he looked at me. I honestly didn't want to love him; it would just worsen things and make things a lot harder than they are now. If I realize and admit to myself that I actually do love him, it was all over, I wouldn't think of anything else, I would be able to risk myself and put myself in more danger than I do now just for him. It wasn't a good idea... It wasn't safe, not physically because I would easily take a bullet for that man and not mentally because my mind would literally explode.

Though when I heard the door creak open, if was like I was back in the US, opening office doors and not knowing exactly what to expect behind them, never knowing if this new school had a severe or a perky principal, a nice woman or a strict man behind the desk. Not much changed since then, the man who opened the door? I had no idea if he was going to treat me like the child I am or kiss me like I'm his last love. I had no idea what to expect.

The only thing I knew was that he was going to make me tea.

And he did. It was the first thing he did after passing through the door, he looked at me to make sure I was there and okay then he opened a door behind me and left it halfway open. So I wasn't sure if I was supposed to follow him or stay seated and not touch anything. My curiosity eventually invaded my mind and I peeked through the gap which lead to a bedroom, certainly Andy's, and there was a source of light coming from the right corner of the room where there was probably where Andy was, I was guessing the kitchen since he was going to serve me a mug of hot water with taste.

I heard some soft sounds of glass and metal clinking. I stayed quiet. Things seemed very quiet and that bothered me. It's not that I didn't like the silence; it's that I had so many things to say to Andy at that moment and I was sure he had a few things to tell me too. The silence allowed me to think, and at this moment I don't think thinking was going to help me in any way. If I had nothing to distract me from, I would start thinking, thinking about how my mother's voice cracked, thinking about my father on his deathbed. Thinking about Andy and Macy in bed together, the mischievous smile on her smile. Thinking about Alex in his house, expecting to wake up with me snoring next to him.

I saw Andy's silhouette coming towards me, but I wasn't paying attention to him, I was looking at his white wall, it was very white, even blinding after a while. I just stayed there, thinking. Thinking, thinking, thinking.

"What's wrong?" I felt soft fingers wipe away the stray tears I hadn't noticed were falling against my will. His fingers were very warm, hot actually; probably from holding the hot tea mug with naked hands.

I shook my head, not trusting my voice if I were to speak. He crouched down to be my size but ended up being smaller than me, so if I were to look at him I would be looking down. I wouldn't look at him though; I need to calm down before facing anybody right now. I swallowed before finally answering, "Just... Thinking."

He hummed and stood, taking the mug from his desk and handing it to me; I wrapped my hands around it, taking in its warmth and took a sip. It warmed me from the inside out and I felt a lot more cozy and peaceful than before.

"I-I'm sorry Vic. I really am..." he said quietly, barely audible.

Seeing that I wasn't going to answer, he continued "I don't like this," Oh is that right? Does it look like I love it? At his words I actually lifted my eyes towards his to show him that he was stating the obvious. "I don't like the fact that you're the only one who's able to run away without thinking twice about what you're leaving behind, you're the only one who can insult me without flinching, you're the only one who catches my eye without doing anything."

I lowered my eyes inch by inch until they landed on the ground once again. I didn't know what to say, I didn't even know what to think about all the things he was telling me. I wanted a distraction, and now I have one; this is sure a lot more than I bargained for. He opened his mouth once again, and I was expecting anything that he was about to say. "You make me feel things I thought I'd never feel. You have this aura that attracts me to you and no matter how much I want to stay away I just can't. I can't not think of you, I can't imagine you leaving some day without me. Victoria, I can't take it anymore."

"What?" I breathed.

"I... Macy doesn't leave me alone. It's driving me crazy, and Vic, Vic; you're the only one keeping me sane."

No, no. Not now. Too much things are going on right now. Too many emotions are invading me and leaving me as confused as ever. I can't handle all these things at once; I am not prepared for this.

"Vic, let's just leave for a while..." His voice was a lot softer than before, a lot quieter too. "Let's just runaway together, we don't need to come back here."