Book of Poetry

13. Not Good Enough

(This poem is not about one particular boy, or man in my life, but rather an accumulation of them all)

You were my friend

My best friend

You saw me and

Talked to me like no-one else did

But I wasn’t a girl to you

With emotions and love to give

I was just another ‘one of the boys’

Suitable as a friend and nothing more

When we were young

You lied about me

You used the power

You knew you had over me

I said and did stupid things

To please you

By high school I knew better

But I couldn’t stop myself from feeling

It was always you I wanted

Always you I thought of

But that didn’t matter

Once you knew, that was it

No friendship, no smiles

No laughter, no ‘one of the boys’

It all ended.

You lied again.

But that time I knew better.

Then I knew who I was

I knew I didn’t need you

But want you

And sometimes, what you want

Isn’t good for you,

But what you need can be

And then, I needed to be alone

I tried boyfriends, it didn’t work

Now I’m older I know why

They’ve all treated me like you

Only I knew better than to take it

The cycle might continue

I might always see you in others

I might always fall for that charm

But I’m not weak enough to suffer it

Not anymore. Not when I know

I was never good enough for you

But I can be enough for someone else

Someone completely unlike you

People think I’m silly, that

Waiting for someone to treat me right

With respect and kind words

Before the love grows is wrong

People have called me names for it

‘Old fashioned’, ‘unlovable’

They’ve even accused me of not liking men

But that’s not what it’s about.

It’s about learning from the past

From mistakes I made,

From the way you acted

And knowing I deserve more.

Thanks to what you said and did

I’m stronger than I’ve ever been

I won’t take crap off any guy

Because I know how it can escalate

One word here, one laugh there

One moment of being a stupid idiot

Can turn into a monster over time

Like you did

So thanks very much, I’m glad

I was never good enough for you

Because you never deserved me

You never appreciated what you had

But someone else will

And if they don’t, I’m strong

I can be on my own

I don’t need a man to validate me

I learned that from you.

From all those times you lied

From all the times you laughed at me

Even from your other girlfriends

The ones you flaunted in front of me

You just never knew that I didn’t care

Because you treated them like you did me

And they took it. And I saw

I saw that as a woman, as a girl

I didn’t want to be like that

It was demeaning. So rest assured

I’ll never be enough for you. Ever

And although it doesn’t matter to you now

It may one day, when you’re kicking yourself

That you lost me, But

You’re not good enough for me either.