god : God

Challenging & Questioning

As our heavenly father guides us, his hand rested heavily on our shoulders - we start to question. Our minds racing back and forth. Rules we have always followed only because they were truth. For all we know is truth... right?

He has guided us through others, their words a constant repetition of what was once uttered from his perfectly smooth lips. His messages inscribed within books - pages we worship for each has been touched by his fingertips, never once callused. Our pope - our ministers making connections with him who we call "the big man upstairs". The man staring intently with soft blue eyes; providing an ear listening for prayer, for belief. We shower him in our everlasting attention, having faith in him hearing the pleas of many. Yet I've noticed... he simply watches.

He watches as his children are killed- killed for their innocence. He stares as his daughters are raped and molested by sons and while his sons are suffering the same by his daughters. His eyes scanning the murders of his kin - the drunken abuse his children endure. He becomes greedy whilst sitting high above -able to see all. Thirsty for more prayers to quench his desires he sends out those who believe he has helped. They collect the many more hopes and dreams to visit his humble abode every Sunday. He pokes at the weak with a finger- not his own, telling them he is their only choice.

He will accept them and provide them with the salvation they have been chasing since birth. But truly; can he? Has he lied in every word he spoke? Has he ever really spoken those words to begin with? Has my pastor been telling me I am wrong? For as I've been told - my questioning our truth is wrong.

Is God afraid?
Oh no... I should not have asked. I should not have said his name, have I used it in vain?
Buy why can i not say this? The name of my so called savior. Why can I not say his name? Who placed the rule that this man - so in love with attention from his children who can not even speak his holy name. God oh God, oh Lord above: you refuse to answer my every call for help. You're watched as I was ridiculed, as I poured beautifully enticing rainbows from bottles yet you did nothing to stop me, to save me, to cleanse me of my toxicity no matter how much I begged. Did you sit back watching? Waiting for me to beg you and plead to you more than I already have?
No, I did not and I will not - for that is what you want. I will not feed you to fill an ego that should not even exist.

You know what I want to say - but I will not. I am ashamed for I have let myself be lied to. Years passed, I chose to depend upon someone... something, God for what he is incapable of providing. I beg of you; do not come up with excuses as to why I did not receive help when I needed it most. For I am no longer blinded by the word of God, rather: the words of those who have fallen in love with the idea of false hope.