Sorry I haven't updated in a few days guys, I've been slightly overwhelmed more than I normally am.
I skipped dance today, again. I think I hurt my back yesterday durng dance and it really hurt all day in school, but it's a bit better now which is good.
Honestly though, I didn't skip dance just because of my hurt back. Dance right now is a really big stress on me. Usually, I'd be doing fine with dance. I have little to no trouble remembering coreography and being capable of doing it fairly well, but recently it hasn't been as easy. I'm finding ot much harder to focus on dance when learning new things and even harder to remember said things. Not to mention, my constant low energy and physical weakness has caused my abilities to plummet. I've just been really heavy on my feet the past few months, and I can't do steps as good as I used to. Simply because I drag my feet and can't find the energy to do really pick them up.
This especially sucks in tap, because it's mostly footwork. Not to mention, I have a tap solo that is not going great because I just can't find the damn energy in my body to do the steps quick enough. It's not the solo aspect that I'm stressing about, it's the fact that I'm not going it well and I'm going to look like a fool.
I know I can do better than I am, but my stupid fucking depression is just dragging me down (literally). Even when I have the motivation sometimes, my body just can't do everything is used to be able to.
But that's not all that is stressing me out about dance. My aunt is one of the main dance teachers, and she is honestly just a bitch. I can't go one ballet class without her making me (and others in the class) feel humiliated or like a pathetic failure. And I know my mind greatly increases these feelings, but she just doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. She once told me right in front of my face to "Stop being depressed, go outside and get some sunlight!". (She is unaware of the fact that I actually have depression lol). She's just an ignorant idiot who is so fucking judgemental and sterotypical.
And school is not helping either. My grades are slowly and ever so slightly declining because I simply don't have the brain power to concentrate very much anymore. Every project or assignment I almost always procrastimate and then it ends up being awful because I don't care at that point anymore how good it is. And I usually don't get very much sleep either, so it's easy to put my head down or just let my mind wander off about everything and nothing.
And another thing that's been stressful is driving. I currently have my permit, and have done I think 4 classes of driving school. My driving test is schedualed for June 4th, and I am only able to attend once a week. That means I literally can't skip anymore classes or I won't have enough to tale the test. We also need 8 hours of driving with an instructor from our driving school, and I jave none so far. I should be starting to scheduale some, but I really don't want to. I have barely driven on the street, and the thought of driving in the car with someone who isn't my mom or dad terrifies me. I hardly know what I'm doing and I'm afraid I'm going to crash or majorly mess up somehow and make everything ackward.
And also, therapy is kind of stressful for me. I'm finding it very hard to open up to my therapist about my thoughts and feelings, and I'm not getting anywhere with it. It's not that my therapist isn't nice or anything, and I feel pretty comfortable with her. She's been helping a lot in some aspects of my life, but others not really, only because I fail to open up and tell her everything that goes on in my head. I know I should, I just am finding it incredibly hard to start that process.
Anyways, sorry for the negativity, life is just crushing me right now and I wanted to vent somewhere. I promise there won't be too many chapters like this guys, since you all deserve to read more positive things from me. I'll try to update soon, until then, I love you guys c:
