My Thoughts In Writting (Work in Progress Dairy will Update Very Rarely)

March 20th 2016: Finding Myself

There may be some triggers and I will do my best to warn you nothing to serious and nothing detailed but just some things that can cause you to feel some way

Let me know if I need to warn people on any parts of this story for triggers

~Dalis💕

TW: Mentions of loneliness, self hate, personal mental abuse, mentions of bullying

My grandmother knows a part of me more than my mom or brother knew. A part of me I tried to ignore.

Having a conversation with my brother she tells him (My interpretation of what she said this is not word for word)
She tells him that even though I (being me) may be crazy that I still need love and affection I need attention I need to be shown love and happyiness she says that she sees that I'm very lonely inside.

Lonely that caught me at a loss and I found myself overwhelmed with emotion at first not understanding why but then realizing deep down inside I truly deeply feel alone.

I have friends yes but I've always had this feeling this knowing that as soon as school ends all of that friendship all of those close bonds will fade away I feel this on my shoulders everyday but I still manage to smile at the good times for now because I know worring about the future will get me no where I know we all have to focus on the good times so we have something good to look back on.

As for my relationship with my mom and my oldest brother there is one there but it's very distant I feel love and kindness at times and I get things from them to make me happy yes but they don't get me they don't understand me and they choose to believe they know me rather then to ask what goes through my mind they choose to believe they understand when in reality they don't know the half of what goes through my head.

No I am not suicidal.. If thats what people are thinking at this point. Yes I've contemplated death many times in my life but I've never dared to try anything. I never really believed hurting my self was gonna fix my life or my mind.

Now i hope this doesnt make you think that Im some sort of fraud and that I dont understand, because though I may not feel your exact pain though I may not have done the things you've done to numb the pain, I've done my fair share of hurting myself.

It may not be physically but mentally I've said worse things about myself than anyone in has said to me my whole life. I was and still am my own personal bully.

Now understand this not me asking for sympathy I don't need it though thankful for kind words i do not ask for anyone to look down on me and feel sorry for me my life may not be perfect but I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world. I'm just stating what is running through my mind at the moment and what has been going through my mind for years. I'm not looking for any sorrys.

For those who believe mental pain could never compare to physical take bullying for instance. It creeps in your mind what people say and no matter what you do you can't help but believe them it tears you down and causes you to think things you never thought you'd come to. Mental pain is horrible it sticks into you while physical pain only last for a period of time mental pain can last forever.

Only if you allow it to though you can choose not to listen to what other people say yes it's very difficult hugely difficult but it's not impossible it takes time and patience and understanding. Understanding that what other people say about you doesn't matter it never matter the only opinion in the world that matters is yours.

Now that doesn't mean turn your back on those trying to build your confidence and help you see your potential if someone is willing to be there for you and support you be your rock. Take that and never let it go unless they change unless they decided to turn against you. Which yes may happen at times but just because it happens does not mean to stop allowing people to be there for you, because they're is always going to be more good than bad in your life only if you choose to see it that way.

Now my life isn't bad persay but it isn't perfect either no ones is it's impossible. Everyone has they're issues and everyone feels alone in some way. But to truly see that you feel that way to understand it, its pretty shocking at first. Thats what I felt as soon as I heard my brother quote my grandmother. It hit me in that moment that someone could see through me more than I could.

I barely see my grandmother a couple times a year we barely talk at all, but for her to see that is everything.

Now in this world we are never truly alone there is always someone or something to help us through tough times something that keeps us going only if we chose to believe in it. Now no one will truly understand someone better then that person or get that person 100% but it's because we dont truly understand ourselves either not all of us will truly find ourselves 100%, but we will find pieces of who we are that allow us to understand a good part of us and that is more than enough. We will walk through this world knowing the best and the worst about ourselves but there is always something new to find out about ourselves and others.

A/N
This is my first time writing down my thoughts for people to read. This is like my public diary so if you don't like it please don't be rude just don't read it and move on thank you. If you do like it please leave some feedback and tell me if in anyway you relate to anything thank you all so much love you guys Goodnight/Good morning and stay strong my loves!!❤✊

~Dalis❤🌹