How to Survive Z-Day Without Looking Like a Jerk But Still Looking Pretty Badass

FILE #8

The New York Times, Sunday, September 4th 2011

                                                 THE FOREWARNING OF THE CENTURY

By Raegen Piers (intern)

Four days prior to the publishing of this article, we were all sitting on our sofas, sipping our coffee, and trying to get our kids up and out of bed to get ready for school.

Four days prior to the publishing of this article, zombies were a work of fiction.

Okay, not "zombies." Experts are advising officials to use the technical term, "Infected", instead so as to not cause unecessary panic. Well, guess what? It's a tad bit too late for that. But, we do have a glimmer of hope. Reports show that we were forewarned by a young girl under the pseudonym of  "Dia"- known to those around her as Allison Campbell.

Campbell, along with a suspected eleven others, might as well be the patron saints of the "Infected" apocalypse. These five teenagers had the audacity to sneak into the government's hidden files to receive information that could have saved us all- considering we believed them and the feds didn't attempt to shut down the website (now inactive) containing everybody's new bible.

The warrant is up for their arrest, and the chase is on for their capture. Protests have been sparked around the country by various groups to drop the charges on these teenagers (who, rumors say, are not even being tried as juveniles due to being potential terrorists) as they have pretty much saved our rear-ends. 

However, the initial five teenagers directly involved in the case are currently pretty much MIA. Denise Razo, Arthur Lansing, Gabriel Mitchell and George Reams all fled the Cherokee, North Carolina area during the respective Infected Outbreak, but fled their family's places of refuge on September 2nd. They're suspected to be travelling together, but so far no other word of their whereabouts are known.

In my opinion, if not for the incompetence of the government and the cunning of the teenagers, we wouldn't be as prepared as we are! Officials have evacuated all citizens within a 40-mile radius of Cherokee, and are, according to them, doing a pretty good job of detaining the Infected. Well, of course, except for those numerous accounts of an Infected or two meandering through some poor, unsuspecting Carolinian's backyard. You know the feds!

The chase for the teenagers (who should really have some sort of super-cool fan nickname by now) is being lead by Special Agent Laura McCann. The parents are now in U.S. custody, and are given no hope that their children will be found.

I think I speak for most people here when I say that while they do need to be safe at home with their parents, they don't need to be safe in federal prison. If anything, they could even help to stop the Infected outbreak, since the gov't is too busy looking for them to keep the Infection from spreading.

But, I don't blame them. I'm rooting for them, and so is most of America. Besides, most of America doesn't really have time to worry about a bunch of fugitive teens when there are hordes of the undead creeping up on them at any given moment.