My Art Book and Randomness

Can life get worse? Yes it can!

I feel like everything people tell me is all starting to make sense in a way-

EXAMPLES BELLOW:

1. Why don't I have a boyfriend? 

What people tell me: Ummm... Hello? Haven't you noticed you complain 24/7? People don't like whiners, complainers, and shit like that! Especally boys! And your over weight, nasty, and lets just say a tom boy! Only boys like people who are girly, have LONG hair, and lets just point out the fact your really hyper! Nobody finds that cute! 

2. My family hates me.

What people tell me: Well lets look at your past! You've had the cops called on you, CPS, and APS because of how you act when your angry. Maybe if you control your temper a little better maybe you wouldn't have much problems. And lets not forget what your BIO Moms done when she was a KID!!! You'd stand a better chance in life if you were dead, rather then be alive and you be her birth child.

3. Addictive personality.

What people tell me: You can always get over it! Just try harder. And when you become addicted to people then well.... That's when the cops come it! Don't be a stalker or wait? Oh you'r already a stalker! Then lets call the mental hospital. You'll do fine in a place with insane people! It's not like it'll corrupt your future or anything like that! ((Yes sarcasm was intended in the last sentence))

4. Talking to myself.

What people tell me: Don't do it! It's just bad to be yourself, and not like everyone else. If you talk to yourself then you'll drive everyone away and become a murder! But don't worry if that's what the future holds then we will deal with it later!

Today reality hit me like 1,000 bricks, a bus, and a bullet train all at once. I have never had a nervous breakdown, because I'm always not in reality. I'm in another world inside my head, were I can't get hurt and everyone is nice. In my head it's like "What is this Reality you speak of?". To me reality never actually was real. I always thought it was some big joke, a lie, maybe even a scary story just told for fun. Then all of a sudden my happy world actually disappeared and for some reason, I was in my kitchen. It felt like I wasn't even myself. Like I was looking at everything through someone else's mind. My house was just a house, not a castle. My living room was just a room, not a dungeon. My bedroom was just my place too sleep, not my throne room. My yard wasn't even a court yard, it was dead grass, leaves and trees. My moms car was just transportation, not a noble steed. And well all my imaginary friends, don't actually exsist, they're fake. I have never seen life like this. Everything was very different. What triggered this, I don't really know? Every thing I touch, see, hear, and say feels like a lie. Like I lied to myself, and now the lie is replaced with the truth. I'm scared and shaking. I'm having cold sweats and it hurts to breath. My anxiety has taken over, and I feel numb. I looked around my room and actually said, "Whoa, were am I?". I don't know how to exactly explain whats happening to me. It's like I've just woken up from a coma, or like the fog is gone from my eyes and I can see. Is this really what reality is like? Cold, hurtful, and bland. 

People always tell me it's fun and an exciting adventure! But I fell like paranoid. I'm amazed that I have lived 14 years of my life dazed out in a lie. I feel like all those little times I've complained are nothing to the bigger problems I'm realizing. My friends? Yes their important, but are they so important I need to hurt my family over 1 trip to the mall? The answer is no. I've been over dramatic, a complainer, and a whiner. I've torn my family up over stupid things that my mother doesn't beleave me anymore. My friends, don't know the true me. They know the "Brianna who doesn't know reality". I can't even define who I am anymore. I feel like I'm a thousand people, and can't even find me out of all of them. The people I want to be like have interfered, with the true me. I don't know who I am, what I am, were I am in life, what I want to be, and my own personality. I've taken pieces of everyone I want to be like and stuck them together to build a lie. Those horror people aren't me, anime people aren't me, sci-fi people aren't me, and crazy people aren't me. Those are people I want to be like. In all my 14 years of a "Lie" I've lost "Brianna". Were has she gone? I don't know. Can I get her back? I hope! But let this be a listen to everyone who reads this. Reality is real! It may not effect you the same. But trust me it will come back, it always does.