Runways

Chapter 2

London skies always had the habit of being cold and dreary, much like what James has been feeling for the past four months he's spent living in this city. The rain pounded against the slick city streets and James looked out from the window of his flat as he watched the people rush around huddled under thick coats and big umbrellas. He usually spends his off days like this–staring off blankly into space, just like what he was feeling. Empty. Alone. And missing Dani.

It's been four months since he left Manila for London to take on a private pilot position for a multinational company. He took the offer because it paid well, it was a great opportunity for him, and the work was pretty monotonous. Fly in and fly out–something he needed to keep his mind off of the shitty things that have plagued his thoughts for the past year or so. It's been four months since he left–he'd be lying if he said he didn't think of home because he always thought of home. Every. Single. Day.

He also thought of Matthew–and the fact that today was his death anniversary didn't help the already gaping hole in his heart.

James sighed as he tore himself away from the window, heading towards his fridge. There wasn't anything inside except for an entire shelf of beer (he mentally reminded himself he needed to go get some groceries) and some leftover dish from that fastfood chain he found last night. He grabbed a couple bottles of beer and a bag of crisps from the kitchen cupboard before making his way towards his living room, settling himself comfortably on the couch. He didn't even bother opening the television–he'd rather spend the day sulking in silence.

"Hope you're enjoying the skies, bro," James said as he popped open the beer bottle, raising it halfheartedly up in the air before taking a swig from it. "'Lam mo, pag lumilipad ako, iniisip ko, nakikita kaya ni Matt 'tong mga pinaggagagawa ko ngayon? Minsan naiimagine kita, babatukan mo ko tas sasabihin mo, 'Gago ka, ayusin mo yang cruising altitude mo' kahit tama naman yung taas nung lipad."

James snorts as he takes another swig, downing the bottle in half. "Tangina Matt. 'Di ko alam kung ano ang mas masakit eh, yung nawala ka o iniwan ko si Dani. Tulungan mo naman ako, bro."

The door opened and James frowned only to find Jason, his flatmate enter the room. He actually had a flatmate–another private pilot for the company, though they rarely saw each other because of work. James didn't mind though, Jason was pretty chill to be with. He was a Filipino-American, born and raised in Pittsburgh and worked for JetBlue before taking in the private pilot position with him. He raised his bottle at him, inviting Jason for a drink.

"Oh, hey, James man," Jason said as he reached out for James' hand, pulling him for a brohug. "I didn't know you were gonna be here."

"Rio got cancelled," James shrugged, popping another bottle open. "Beer?"

"Yeah sure. Hold on, lemme get rid of my shit first."

James opened a couple more bottles as he waited for Jason, busting open the bag of crisps he almost forgot. He was originally planning to just drink his night away but it seemed like life had other plans for him. Well, someone to talk to actually sounds nice, he thought as he took another swig from his bottle. Maybe he'll forget his problems today.

Jason files out of his room and drops himself down on an adjacent chair, picking up the bottle and clinking it with James'. They were quiet and drinking by themselves for a while before Jason cleared his throat, staring directly at James.

"So," Jason drawls as he takes a swig from his bottle. "Is there any reason why we're drinking ourselves dry here?"

"I doubt we'd get drunk over," James motions towards the table. "What? A dozen bottles?"

"I don't know man, you look like you started without me," Jason says as he watches James from the corner of his eye. He hasn't spoken to his friend in quite a while–their busy schedules always keeping them from being in the same place for more than ten minutes. Jason knows that James doesn't speak much, but the man looked worse for wear today–the dark circles under his eyes were a testament to that. "Hey, James."

"Yeah?"

"Something bothering you today, man?"

James shrugs as he stares outside the window, watching the rain fall against the windowpanes. The rain continues to pour and the skies darken even further, just like the emotions running rampant in his head. 

"Just a bad day," James says and he guzzles half his beer, wondering if he should just switch to something a little bit harder. 

"You look like someone ran you over," Jason shook his head, taking a swig of his own beer. "Or, I don't know, you look even worse than you normally do."

James snorts and he draws out a sigh and he could feel his chest tighten with every breath, the memory of today threatening to consume him. He runs a hand over his chest and the rosary necklace he's kept by his side grazed his palm through his shirt pocket and the memory he's been trying to forget suddenly comes bubbling up the surface.

He takes a long draw from his beer bottle, but he never realized his tears have started to fall. James hasn't cried since he left Manila four months ago–he didn't know he was going to start now.

"James," Jason grabs him by the shoulder and James buries his head between his knees, palms pressed tight against his eyes. He sobbed for today–for the memory of Matt and what he's lost and for Dani, for the one girl he loved and let go, just so he could find himself. 

"It's Matt's first death anniversary today," James said. "My best friend died on this day. I should be the one dead and six feet under."

James hasn't forgiven himself. Truth is, he doesn't know if he ever will. He's trying–he's trying real hard, if only for the fact that he wants to come home to Dani as a fixed and whole man. He often wonders when he'll learn to finally learn to forgive himself for his shortcomings and failures. And to finally accept that he has to let go of Matt.

Jason stumbles beside him and he grips his arm, turning James so he'd look at him. James stared back with bloodshot eyes and Jason sighed, dragging a hand over his face.

"Look, James–fuck, I don't even know what's happened to you, man. But hey, you'll have to learn how to forgive yourself. You do that–just, forgive yourself. Take your time."