Runways

Chapter 3

It's been 612 days since James left for Europe. Dani denies she's been keeping count but she secretly hides a calendar in her bedside table as she marks the days before James comes back, days she's spent waiting and hoping. She couldn't stop thinking about him, especially on days when she's left alone with her thoughts, his face the only constant in her mind.

On the first Valentine's since Matt was gone, Dani finally found the courage to keep Matthew's pictures in the back of her closet. It wasn't because she wanted to forget him, she just wanted to find her own place in life and move on. She's lost so much–between the here and now of losing Matt and having James leave, Dani finds herself wondering if what she had was still hers. Was it still the same Daniella that smiled excitedly as she waited for Matthew's flight to land? Or was this the Dani that wholeheartedly opened her arms to the crazy antics James offered her?

Dani hasn't visited Matt's grave for quite some time now. His grave was always well maintained, thanks to Tito Theo's constant care, the marble headstone gleaming under the afternoon sun. She holds on to the small pot of daisies as she looks down the well manicured grass, eyes glazed over the last memories of Matt she's been holding on to.

"Hi, ho–" Dani stops, the once familiar petname now sounding strange coming from her lips. She breathes and closes her eyes as she centers herself, before starting over. "Hi, Matthew."

A gentle breeze blows and Dani looks up, the dried leaves from a nearby tree swirling in the sun.

"Ang freaky mo talaga," she says when the leaves finally settle and she places the pot of flowers on the ground. "Wag kang creepy. Alam mong matatakutin ako."

Dani settles herself on the grass, sitting cross legged as she faces Matthew's grave. Her fingers trace against the black etched letters of his name, the words a once well-loved vernacular that rolled off her tongue. Captain Matthew Montecillo used to be the name that she called, but time has erased the familiarity off of her. She hasn't said his name in a while, and she doesn't think she'll ever have the chance to again.

"Matt, I miss you," she whispers softly. "Sort of... I miss you. I'm sorry I haven't been down to visit. I was... still am, trying to move on."

"Ang daya mo kasi eh. Ang daya daya mo. Alam mo ba kung gano kahirap to? Mas madali pa sana kung nag-break na lang tayo eh–kung nambabae ka, o nakahanap ka ng iba na mas gusto mo kesa sa akin. Pero bakit ganon? You had to freaking go to a place where I can't follow."

She buries her face in her hands, shedding tears she's long since bottled up. Dani tries not to cry a lot but she was pretty sure Gerri could hear her from the other room, with the way her cousin would look at her when she drags herself out of the bedroom in the mornings.

"Matt, nung nawala ka, dumating si James. Siguro, it was destiny doing work for us, the way we were never able to meet when were still together. Naalala mo ba when you told me to let go? Sabi mo I shouldn't worry–kasi hindi ako maiiwang mag-isa. Was that you? Ikaw ba yung nagdala kay James sa buhay ko?"

"Umalis si James," her voice drops and she tries to choke back the sob that's trying to erupt from her. James leaving was even harder for her than Matthew dying, probably because there was still hope of him coming back. Somewhere in her, she believes he will come back, and maybe–maybe she'll be whole again. "Umalis si James. I hope he'll come back to me."

---

Dani dreamt of Matthew that night. They were in the cabin crew lounge of the airport, the first place where they actually met, both of them decked in their respective uniforms. Matt smiled at her with open arms and she reached out for him, only to find her hands grasp thin air.

"Someday, hon, you'll learn to fully let go," Matthew tells her, his voice nothing but an echo of a voice she used to hear. "Diba, you trust me naman?"

Dani nods and she could feel the memory of Matt against her skin, his hands wrapped loosely around hers. She looks at him and she wonders how much of him she's started to forget. Has he always had that uneven patch on his eyebrow? Or that strange way his hair would fall to the side every time he takes off his aviation cap? Dani struggles to remember these things, but she somehow feels lighter, like the weight was finally off her chest.

"Remember, I told you, you'll never be alone? Dani, I'll always love you. But you also have to grow–to change into the Dani that can fill the void in someone's heart. You'll always have my memory, Dani, and I'll never stop loving you... pero hon, you have to let go. You have to let go so you can give your heart to someone who has the capacity to love all of you–whether you're broken, battered and trying to piece yourself together."

"Matt..."

"Dani," Matt's memory reaches out for her, fingers brushing against her cheek. "James will come back. You're both broken, but I know he'll be the one who can stitch your heart back together."

Dani wakes up from her dream and the first thing she sees was a polaroid photo of her and James on the day they went out for that food trip. She doesn't remember why that photo was sitting on her bedside table and she simply shrugs, eyes set against the saturated color printed on the paper. She brushes her fingers against James' lips and she closes her eyes, clutching the photo close to her heart.

"Thank you, Matt."