Loving Rain (Watty Awards 2011)

Chapter 42 - The Return

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Loving Rain - Ch. 42

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My feet pounded as quickly as humanly possible down the dirt road while the hope that I could ever catch up to Cian felt like it was getting crushed. And with each tiny amount of pressure put on that hope, the pressure was a hundred times worse on my heart. Maybe, if I couldn’t be with Cian, I would just have a heart attack and die. It seemed like a reasonable fate. Because without him there would be no point in living.

               I knew that I had blacked out for a period of time, but I also knew that getting all of his people and carriages together would’ve taken some time, too. And so I didn’t think I was that far behind them. There was also the fact that I couldn’t imagine Lee, or Melvin, or possibly even Cayla just agreeing to leave without telling me goodbye. And Alan hadn’t said anything about…

               But then again, Alan didn’t have much of a chance to say anything.

               There was a part of me that knew my heart should sink into my stomach at the thought of leaving him behind. And part of it did. All the leftover jagged edges and ashes that had been the heart he broke fell into the deepest pit of my abdomen and lodged themselves there so that there was a dull aching pain. But above that was the new heart I had for Cian, and the way it was thudding in my chest pretty much blocked out the pain Alan’s heart was causing. I was despicable, I knew it, but there wasn’t anything I could do. Hadn’t he been the one to make me promise I’d pick the one I wanted the most?

               A roar erupted from behind me, much like the ones in my dreams, but this one was more pained and not as homicidal. He was so broken, and I hated it, but I knew that if we had been together we both would’ve ended up even more shattered. I had been torn apart by him before, and now he felt the same way. It was time for his own healing process to begin, and I had faith that he would be able to get through it like I had. You have to realize what you really love to realize what you have to leave behind for it. So Alan just needed to find out what he really loves.

               And it couldn’t be me, since I wasn’t the one.

               My legs pushed faster and harder after the roar ended, knowing that if Cian could hear it he must know something was wrong. And as soon as I climbed a hill up ahead, there they were. Two carriages that I remembered. I knew they were carrying my loved ones, and with them in such a short distance, I had the strength to push even more and soon I was in shouting distance. So I yelled his name at the top of my lungs, trying to get all the love I felt swelling up inside me to be portrayed in that one little word.

               “Cian!”

               Nothing happened. So I tried again.

               “Cian!”

               I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I thought when he heard my voice he would throw himself from his carriage and run out to meet me. Or maybe I just wanted him to get the carriage to stop so that I could run to him. But none of those things happen, and I almost gave up hope. I had to try, though, because my whole life depended on him.

               “CIAN!”

               And that was when I saw it. The wheels slowed down and then stopped turning altogether. It was so close, but it was that moment when my legs decided to give out and I fell to the dirty road while the dust flew all around me and caked itself all over my body. And the tears started to pour and create little swirls of mud in the ground beneath me. I couldn’t see a thing, and so I didn’t know if he was coming or not until I felt his warm hand underneath my chin as he lifted my face up.