My Thoughts

#6

All I can do is think. Think about the friends that aren't here. Think about the parents that untrusting. Thinking about the brother who's the favorite. The sister who is grown up. Think about me who surrounds herself with friends she knows will leave, but are worth it if she doesn't have to be alone. Alone a word so familiar that it might as well be written on her skin. Alone. That is word to describe me. Not smart, not mature, not cool, not here, not there, not anything. So I sit in the dark with the sound of my brother and his friends in the other room that are having fun and to the sound of the TV my dad is watching . I listen to sound of my heart breaking because the one I like surely doesn't like me and the ones who like me grab my ass and try to play footsie because I'm cute and nice. If only they knew. Knew I feel alone. Knew I feel unwanted and untrusted. Knew I was envious. Knew I didn't like getting my ass grabbed. Knew that I'm writing this crying because that is the only thing I can do because all I can do alone is think and feel alone. Think how I'm such a piece of shit daughter. That is too salty. That is too confident. That is out too much with her "friends" because she can't stand to stay in the house she feels alone in. That is always telling her friends "goodnight", but knows she will only spends hours crying herself to sleep. They don't know. They don't know I'm the most insecure in the group, but won't show it because she knows they will say "what do you have to be insecure about your cute and skinny". That is the same reason I get felt up on because I'm cute and skinny. Not because I'm smart and funny or that I'm relatable and a good person. The reason I shouldn't be insecure is because I'm cute and skinny. Well I'd rather be ugly and fat than to be felt up everyday because I don't have the courage to tell him to stop or to tell an adult. No one will know the reason I'm jumpy or frightened easily is because of the person who felt me up or tried to get lucky or tried to watch me sleep because they were "too high" to realise I was 12 and I am 14, but i couldn't tell anyone. Because I'm scared. Scared of the future. Scared of other people because she knows she will only be criticised by her family because she was supposed to trust them, but how can trust them if they can't trust her. How can they assume just because they are family they are trusted. How could anyone. How could anyone assume they are trusted just because they are or are family.