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Chapter 2: Three-way conversation

After a few minutes of processing whatever I just heard, I let out a sound that was inbetween a dying whale and a person who has starved for 43 years. There's something about him that seems familiar to me but I can't quite put my finger on it...

"Okay so Niall... What is your aim here? I already told you I'm not changing my mind." I try my best to sound assertive.

"Well at least do me a favor. Call the suicide hotline and talk to them about it. I'm not asking for much." he pleaded. I rolled my eyes hoping he could hear them rolling. Who does he think he is telling me to call a suicide hotline? 

"Look I know you're trying to help me but whatever. My mind is set. You don't know anything and what I have been through. If you were in my shoes, you'd do the same" I counter. Just then, my phone vibrated and I checked to see what was the notification. It was Nina. I had completely forgotten all about her and that my main priority was to read her last text to me before I end this...life. I'd call it a life but I have never really lived. 

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, SAYING SHIT LIKE THAT? DON'T YOU DARE DO ANYTHING RASH! FUCK IF ONLY I WASN'T ON VACATION. DAMN IT ARIANNE STOP IT PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME WALK THIS WORLD ALONE. YOU'RE ALL I HAVE. I FUCKING LOVE YOU OK??? I'M GONNA CALL YOU IN AN HOUR, I HAVE TO GO SIGHT-SEEING WITH THE FAMILY. YOU'D BETTER FUCKING BE HERE TO ANSWER MY CALL, CAPEESH?" 

I read each word with Nina's screeching voice in my head and I cringed slightly. She definitley wasn't the best person to piss off. I decided to wait for an hour for her call before I do it. 

I bring the phone back to my ear to hear Niall calling my name repeatedly. The panic was evident in his voice and it took me a minute to realise that he thought I had gone to end my life. I stifled a laugh and cleared my throat. He heaved a sigh of relief and I chewed the insides of my cheeks to stop myself from laughing. 

"I'm here." I manage to say without erupting into a fit of laughter. I have no idea why I find this funny. A lot of things are humorous to me and it's very easy to make me laugh. Another thing I hate myself for. I can never stay angry at a person for long. 

"Thank God. Could you please just do me this favor and call the hotline? I'll accompany you on the line but I'll stay quiet of course." 

I pondered over this for awhile and silently nod my head, wishing I could hit my subconscious for waving the white flag. 

"O..okay.." I stutter as I look up for the hotline number and begin to dial it, with Niall still on the line. 

"Thank you for calling the suicide hotline. I am Anne and I'm here to listen to your problems and give you advice, and maybe, hope." 

 The voice sounded like it belonged to a middle-aged woman who enjoys knitting and drenches herself in lavender scent. It was soothing and it made me feel safe. 

"H-hello I'm Arianne. I'm having trouble with my life and I really can't do this anymore. I was hoping you'd hear me out." I barely made sense through my teeth chattering from being nervous. I've never done anything like this before. I hear Niall's background noise and I feel a little comforted even though I shouldn't be as I was about to talk about why I considered suicide to two strangers. But somehow, I feel like I could trust them. 

"Please share your story with me Arianne. That's what I'm here for. I'm here to listen to you and guide you through this. " Anne reassured.

I wasted no time in telling her (and him) about my horrible history with past boyfriends and how I always feel lonely despite having a bestfriend like Nina. I explained about how I felt like a burden to Nina instead of her bestfriend and my ability to always fuck things up in life. Of course I didn't say "fuck" but it would've been effective in making my point. I skipped the main reason for my thinking of suicide, because it was just too much to tell to two strangers. I've only ever told one person, Nina. After getting almost all the load off my chest, I felt a little better. 

"Well you see here Arianne, the thing is you see yourself as a burden only because you think so. You have no idea how Nina feels. I'm pretty certain that she sees you as someone she holds dear  and I know she loves you. She has no reason to see you as a burden does she? And as for your history of past boyfriends, it's all over. Just smile at the past and give it a good kick in the arse before moving forward with your life. There is no point looking back and making yourself miserable about it. You deserve the best you're beautiful. " 

I felt a tug on my heartstrings after hearing what she said to me. She's right. I don't need to cause myself unnecessary pain by looking back at the past and I certainly don't even know if Nina sees me as a burden. But the root cause of all my misery was something that happened to me when I was 14. I just wasn't ready to share it with anyone, besides Nina, yet. Yeah it was in the past, but it tainted all my innocence and I will never forgive myself for allowing it to happen. I hate that dark part of my past. It makes me feel disgusting and so impure.  Whenever I go out and people stare at me, I fear that they know everything about that part of my life. It still hurts and it was traumatizing enough for me to use suicide as a choice. 

"I..I.. Thank you so much Anne. You have no idea how much your words changed my view on this. You made me a little stronger. I'll pull through." I choked, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. There was none that need be said anymore and I ended the hotline call. 

"Niall?" I ask.

"Yeah I'm here. Wow I'm proud of you for opening up like that. I knew you were strong enough to do this. You just gained my respect!" Niall said with gusto. 

Right after he said that I started breaking out in sobs.

"T..than..thank.y..yy..you" I managed to say. Shit I must have sounded like a complete retard. I wanted to say more but I decided against it. 

"Hey..don't cry. You may not know me personally but I will always be here for you. I know it's creepy, since it's coming from a stranger. But if you ever need a listening ear, I'm just a few numbers away. I will never judge you for anything. Remember that."