marked.

Untamed

I realize that I am beginning to break. The way I've been reacting reminds me of old movies I used to watch about horses. When the rancher would bring in the wild, untamed stallion, it was nothing more than pure defiance and stubbornness. After a while, the rancher begins his little tests... The horse's training begins slowly, but once it comes to the true breaking, the pace becomes rapid. As much as the horse wants to fight and push away the tamed atmosphere, it comes to a point where they can't change the changed... That is when they are truly broken. And that's what is happening to me.

If anyone were to know me, they'd know that my emotions are kept locked away, far from any real sight of humanity. I always felt that emotions get in the way, how they always cloud one's judgment. But slowly but surely, my walls are breaking down. There's more of an emotion being brought to the surface, and it feels as if my body wants to feel it. My feelings for those around me begin to show more frequently now.

I've tried to calm myself by making a list of who I care about and why. It still didn't work as much as I wrote.

-Sam Parker: she reminds me of my old New York friends, how they worried me so much. She's like a younger sibling, a troubled one that needs some assistance on seeing the light of things.

-Marco: if there were to be any feeling towards him, I might admit that is actually love. I couldn't stand to bear him getting hurt, and it feels like I've been shot in the chest every time he does. He makes my stomach turn, and cheeks blush (but of course he wouldn't know it).

-Sean: purely annoying. But I wonder about him, where he came from, who he was, who he's been, what had he been through. It looks as though he cares, but in his own, twisted sort of way that drives me up the wall.

-Mom: what can I say, I need her. She's my vessel, the main priority when it comes to family.

-Quinn: I miss him. Simple as that.

Ever since I moved to California when I was fourteen, I had used the four years to build myself a gigantic wall. I was untamed, in the most perfectly tamed way. I knew how to shield things, how to push it all way. But now, the wall began to break, and there were no shields, no pushing. I began to feel more.

It's funny how I made this conclusion all within the first hour of my insomniac nights. I stared up at the ceiling, listening to highly upsetting songs, and made the realization. It was only one o'clock in the morning, and already my mind was working hard. Instead of furthering myself deeper in this hole, I decided to head up to the roof, maybe clear my head somewhat. I threw on my black hoodie over my grey t-shirt, and threw on my moccasins that happened to be laying directly next to bed. I was already in black leggings, for I was too lazy too change into more accurate sleepwear. I dragged out of the apartment door and headed up. Once I opened the door, I realized that I wasn't alone.

"Hey Daniella." It was Marco. I'm not sure how he even entered my apartment building, but it was a question I was dying to ask. He walked over to me, still limping from his still broken leg and softly kissed me. I returned the kiss, and automatically walked over to the ledge of the roof and plunked myself there. Marco did the same.

"How did you get in?" I asked, completely confused.

As Marco positioned himself to lean against the ledge, he only shrugged. "I guess you can say I'm good with the doorman."

The doorman... I thought. Then it clicked in my head. "How do you know Sam?"

"I met her the same day you did. I saw you talking to her one morning and she started talking to me a couple hours later."

I shook my head in complete disbelief. "Of course you did." Sam was always the sneaky type, but she does get around quickly, collects her information. After a few minutes, I stood quiet, fumbling with my fingers in the pale moonlight. Marco placed his hand on top of mine, signaling me to stop.

Through the darkness, I could see his eyebrows crease. He stared close onto my face, examining my every move. "What's wrong?" He asks. I knew he was concerned, and I was not all there. Due to the fact that my emotions were now being conveyed in such a casual way, Marco could easily pinpoint every time my face falters into a quiet sadness.

I sigh. "It's different, Marco. Im different. All these things are happening at once, and it's messing me up, breaking me." I look at his green eyes, oh how I could stare at them forever. "I don't know how to control it anymore."

The worry never left his eyes. "But everything died down, right? Look, I'm okay, your friend is okay." He took a moment before he said the last part. "Quinn's okay. So what's wrong?"

Out of frustration, I take Marco's hand and hold it tighter. "That's the thing, it never stays okay. Out of everything I've been through, through all the names and the comments and the bullying, I had one person to go to. Just ONE, Marco. And look where he is. I begin to have a good, real relationship with someone and... In the first few weeks, he fought someone for me, healed me. And now what happened," I gesture towards the whole left side of his body. "He's got in a freaking car crash with some idiot. A car crash!"

He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear as he listens, as if we are just having a casual conversation; I can only wish that it was.

"My only best friend gets abused constantly by her drunk guardian and she's finally reached her endpoint. She's forced to live with me now, out of fear, hatred, and total regret of ever going home everyday. How am I supposed to react to that, huh?!" My frustration begins to grow. "Huh?! How?!"

"You're not. Trying to control it can only make it worse. I think you're angry because you forgot," he looks at me as his grip begins to tighten as well. "You forgot how to let yourself feel, how to let yourself get angry, allow yourself to cry, to be happy... You were so used o holding it all in and pushing it away, you forgot that you were human. Human. Why give up such a beautiful thing?"

I wasn't sure how to respond to that, even though single tears ran down my cheek as I looked away. Marco was right. He knew I had been holding it in. He knew that I was dying inside, how I didn't even realize it myself. He knew it all, everything I had been hiding.

With his free hand, he guided my focus to him, to his alluring green eyes. "Let me help you to remember. You never lost your ability to feel, you just kept it locked away for so long. And now how does it feel to have an open heart?"

I kissed him. It wasn't just a simple kiss, it was more of me peeling away every layer of hidden feelings. Every brick that was placed, was now being torn down. The perfectly tamed horse reduced itself to becoming untamed once again.