Song of the Chapter: Me and the Moon- Shane Filan.
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For my parents gay boys were diseased, infected and needed to be healed spiritually.
I didn't realize I had become appealing to women until after I turned fourteen. Before that, I was struggling with own problem—say for I was stuck in a wheelchair, and I wasn't paying attention to girls or flirting. And also I hardly has any woman acquaintance, except for Stella, Rosella(Rose) and Veronica.
When I was able walk again and got enrolled to a school for the rich kids, and made few friends, the way girls reacted became a little more noticeable. The pressure to prove I wasn't gay was on. Time to get really into dating. Not that I was a wet dream. As one of my ex-girlfriends said, "You're cute. Like, dorky-cute."
The first girl I asked out was a sweet, but insecure, freshman with bubblegum breath and an eager smile. Because Gina was younger, I thought there was a stronger chance she'd say yes to dating an Junior and she'd be happy to be with someone who didn't push for sex.
I didn't know anything about her, other than she was blonde, attractive and her family was "acceptable". All I cared about was bringing her home, showing her off and then ending the relationship as quickly as possible. That proved easy when her friend Clarissa made out with me and then told Gina about it.
Gina dumped me, Clarrisa became my girlfriend, and I learned how to come off as a stud without actually having to be one.
I had four girlfriends in high school, never having to actually have sex. The best part was when I started to bring home the 'wrong' girls. No question about me being a faggot anymore, with the added bonus of pissing off my dad and just enough to be satisfying, without actually risking anything.
With hindsight, I could see the reasons for my development.
Some people might think it was the money that held me back, but that was only partially the problem. After losing Sophia, I was afraid of losing my parents. Watching what being gay did to some fellow students, cost them. And my father reminded every day of what it would cost me.
Not that I was ready to acknowledge being gay. Not completely. Or maybe I was acknowledging it, just not eagerly.
Funny thing was I'd expected when I admitted it to Veronica something would click and things would make sense. But all I'd accomplished was disowned by my parents—because Veronica was a vindictive bitch and she wanted revenge.
Max and my relationship was closeted, and when we broke up, I was in a bad place. Heartbroken but was not willing to accept that I cared if Max was there or not, that I was hurt that he left me. We had a deal and breaking up was a part of it.
Anyways when I was with Veronica, coming out to her was mostly because I couldn't see myself with her or with any girl. And for the first time I wanted to be honest with myself. Had I known being honest meant getting disowned, I might not have gone ahead with coming out or outright lied to my parents when Veronica'd dropped the faggot bomb. But by the time I was aware of the consequence, it was too late, I was already packing bag to leave, and my dad was busy cutting me off in every way possible and my mom well she was shocked to even react.
That was when I got my first tattoo—a phoenix, right under my nape.
So when Rose told me Gabriel's birthday and her three idea, I took up the idea of getting a tattoo for him.
And that is how Rose and I find ourselves alone outside the weathered door that nestles inconspicuously amongst a bevy of retail stores, vintage boutiques and cafes, it seems obvious to me that the time has finally come to mark myself up. On the pavement outside the door stands a simple white sign, which reads 'Tattoo Parlour' in large black italics.
