Fighting, Surviving, & Hopelessly Lost

Chapter 20

I woke up before the sun could beat me to it. Today, I was supposed to meet Peyton and tell him my "feelings" but I wasn't ready. Physically, yes. I was dressed, had a bowl of cereal, which seemed normal to me on the outside. On the inside, my temperature was rising, guts turning, and heart pounding. I had no idea what was going on with me. This feeling was new to me and I guess I was supposed to feel it before each match. I was nervous. I was stressed. For no reason!

After I was done eating, I jogged back upstairs to make sure my outfit looked somewhat decent. I currently had on my light jean shorts, my usual grey tank top, and this time I put on a light blue sweater thing that reached the back of my knees. I think it's called a cardigan.

My phone started to buzz on my desk, creating a vibration super loudly. I didn't want to wake Hanna and let her find out I was ditching classes today. As quickly as it started, I turned my phone off and opened it to see what the fuss was all about.

Peyton- hey blondie. I'm waiting outside:)

I smirked at the text because I've gotten so used to being called blondie. I ran down the stairs, careful not to wake Hanna, opened the door softly and slipped outside to see Peyton standing next to his awesome looking Jeep.

"Hey blondie," he smiled.

"Nope. Do not start with me. I am shaking enough and I think there is something inside of me called nervousness. I'm not really sure because I have never felt this before, not even before matches!! I think I'm going crazy. I'm crazy right?" I rambled. Peyton just stood there, chuckling. "What?"

"Oh nothing. It's just that you actually told me how your feeling for the first time without me doing anything, and you are super cute when you ramble."

I could feel heat creeping up to my cheeks. "Oh. Sorry."

"No don't be sorry. Now, ready for the beach?"

"Yes, as long as we stay far away from the water as possible."

"Deal. Now hop in and let's get going."

Peyton strode over to the other side of the car, opened the door for me, and quickly hopped into the driver's seat. We were off before I knew it, the wind whipping at my face and hair wildly, making me feel free and alive.

I haven't felt so light, as if there were no weights on my shoulders. Thoughts didn't race in my mind, but rather floated carelessly like paper boats in a little stream. My eyes saw a little clearer, everything was in full color, full focus. And on my face, I felt a beautiful, full, crisp smile that actually let out laughter.

Peyton seemed to notice my mood. "Your happy today. Looked a little nervous earlier though"

"Well, let me just say that I feel like I'm flying. Which is good because I haven't felt like this in a while. And I guess nerves just aren't me. But I have felt nerves before. Coming here was hard."

"Why? I thought you joining the team was a good thing," Peyton said while parking the car and stopping the engine. We got out of the car and I immediately took off my shoes so that the grainy, soft sand could run through my toes.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Joining the team was a good thing, and still is. Fighting is as it always has been. It's just that trying to help my sister is hard. I felt like my parents gave up on her a long time ago. It's a miracle she's still alive. If I could, I would die everyday to rid her of what she is going through."

The waves were soothing against the rocks and sand, but the deep water still made me uncomfortable. Just like this entire situation with my sister.

"And if something were to ever happen to her, I would never forgive myself," I continued. "For me, there would be no point in living." I looked over to Peyton, who was staring at the waves. "But ever since I met you, there has been a spark of hope in my heart." His eyes went from looking at the water, to my eyes. "Because without you, I would have been lost. And honestly, I still am, at least I feel like it." I averted my eyes from his gaze for fear that I was making a fool of myself.

"Jul, I want to be here for you. Through everything. No matter what. I just need you to trust me."

"I've never really trusted anybody."

"What about Joe? He was your trainer and shaped you into the person you are today."

I glared into the sun. "Yeah? Well Joe is out of the damn question. That dude has no right to have any say in who I am or what I do." Peyton gave me a confused look. "But at the same time, he gave me a rock solid mind. Not to let anyone or anything in. He taught me to endure pain, to embrace it."

"Wait. So Joe taught you to do this to yourself? Jul! This guy is crazy! He- he's doing this to you to-to get inside your head! To block everybody out of your life and to not flinch at pain. He's insane." Peyton was waving his hands around too much and he looked really uneasy.

"Hey, stop. He did kinda help me get through all of those fights and I am a champion at fighting. Remember, I can take anybody down, even you."

"See! This is exactly what I'm talking about! You are so tough and so confident and you know people will back away from you. This was his goal. Jul, we need to tell J.C about this. He'll help you get through this. He will help-"

I didn't let him finish. As if it were any other day at practice, I judo-flipped Peyton quite perfectly. I have got to say, my technique has gotten so much better. He landed with a slight umpff and coughed from the intensity.

"Peyton. Shut up. I do not need help or whatever you were just suggesting. Yeah, Joe might have been an ass, I might have fallen for that, but I'm here now aren't I? So you listen, I don't know what is going on between us; if we are in some sort of relationship or is we're friends or friends with benefits- but I hope it's one of those three options. I'm a fighter."

"Yeah okay. Nice flip by the way, but what does any of what you just said have to do with getting you help?"

"It means that I'm going to go see Cassy, give her a brief explanation of what's been going on because she must be hella worried. Then I'm off."

Peyton sighed. "Jul!! Where are you going? There is no where to go. We have school."

"Dude, I'm training for championships."

AN- Short chapter? Yeah about that...-> so I've been off for the past couple of months. I had to take a small detour from life but now I'm back. I've actually totally forgotten about the plot, my characters, pictures, music and everything because all of my files have been deleted all  my notes, all my work!! But it's break now, so I'll try to post at least 3 or more chapters. Sorry if not everything makes sense or adds up, this story will go through MAJOR revision and editing. Sorry again for not updating. Forgive me peeps. Now special thanks to THAT FRIEND ;) for helping me edit. Rly hope u read this. Please vote, comment on anything, keep on reading, rejoice that I am back. Want a shoutout/dedication? Be the first to comment (something productive) on this chapter. <3 u guys.

Love,

Juju