I Lost Myself While Losing You

HOLDING BACK THE TRUTH

"What happened in between Sam?" The nurse askes me.
"What do you mean?" I ask her.
"You skipped a few weeks. You didn't tell me the whole story" She says. She's right, i didn't but I don't want to go through that again. I don't want to look back over my life as if I was 90 years old and about to die. I just look at her.
"Sam, you might not want to talk about it, but you have to. If you want it to be like before" Nurses doesn't sound mean or cruel around here not to the patients. This time she did sound a bit angry at me though. This comment angered me, before, really. How can it possibly be like before, when in my before Kylie was alive. 
"It can't be like before" I told her leaning in to her "Because Kylie's dead" Her eyes softens and she leaves the room. I guess I won, although I know somewhere deep down that's she's right. I must talk about it so I can let it go. I just don't wanna talk with someone that will analyze my words. I just want someone to listen.
My mom walks through the door, she has a pile of books with her.
"Hi Sam" 
"Hi" 
"I brought you some books that Kylie had in her self. It's maybe 10 books, not that many sides in them if I can say so myself. Anyway, it was a not in everyone of them which read >>Sam must Read<<" She puts them down and sit's down on the stool.
"Why do you think I'm here mum?" I ask her. She shakes her head.

"I don't know Sam, I'd rather let you see a psychologist. I believe that could help you more" She get's me, why can't the nurses get me like she does?
"Can you tell them? I don't wanna be here. I'm not sick, there might be people out there with a real issue, but they can't get help because I'm here taking up there spot"

"I don't know if I can Sam, I don't want you to be in here... You've missed her funeral, it can just get worse for you if you stay. Although I believe that I as your guardian have a saying in this as well." She looks out of the window, I know she's thinking. As long as I can remember, every time she had to make an important decision, she ether goes an a walk or star out the window, and it can take hours at some times. 

                                                                                               *      *      *  

I'm home in Bradworthy now. It's been a week since I got out from the hospital. We've got all of mine and Kylies stuff out of the apartment we rented. I still haven't read the books that Kylie wanted me to read, although I'm going to. I'd let her down otherwise. I met up with a psychologist last night, and I'm already better. She sat opposite from me and the only thing she didn't ask much about Kylie. She mainly asked me about who I am, what I like to do etc. Then when I felt comfortable with her, I started to talk about Kylie how she made my life more fun. I didn't get to tell her everything, because I only had 2 hours with her.

I take the book that she wanted me to read, and I notice numbers under the text she wrote. They weren't in order. So I started with the first one. When I started to read I noticed that she had circled a letters, on the first page she had written a date. 23/6 and the letters she had been circled wasn't that many. H, E, I, S, A, F, T, E, R, M, E.

He is after me. Who? I scroll quickly through the book, she hadn't circled in letters on every page, there where about 20 pages in between. New date 26/6: Sam if you read this it means that I'm dead. I'm truly sorry that you are left behind. I didn't intend for this to happen. I really didn't. I hope you're safe and far away from London and BRADWORTHY. Sam if you're home you gotta leave right now, it's not safe. Not for you, your family nor my family. Please take them all with you and move to another city. Sam please I beg you. Keep reading the books and I'll explain more. Just.... be safe. xoxo

What is this? I am safe aren't I? I don't know what to do so I went to mum, showed her what I've found so far. She took it very seriously, I'm glad that she didn't think that I was overreacting. We're now moving to Scotland. We didn't sell the house, we told people near by that we were going on holiday and a long one even.