I Lost Myself While Losing You

ON THE ROAD

We've stopped just outside Bradford, we don't want to be in a big place yet we must be close to stores so we can get our food. I've gone through every book now, some messenger doesn't make any sense. Others hit's my hart more. Some times I feel like this is all my fault, I don't even want to think about the very last messenger she gave me. I know who it is, but I don't know why. After all this time, the 2 mens didn't mean to kidnap the young boy, it was a way to make sure they got Kylie's attention. When they did, they went to attack and Kylie died. 

I shake my head and goes out of our caravan. I can see Bradford from here. For me Bradford and Leeds are like one massive city. We're far away from home, safe, yet scary. I walk up to Jay, we don't share the view on cities the same way. I don't like them, he however is very fascinated by them. 

"Hi" Jay says
"Hi" I start. "Are you okay?" He looks at me as if I were crazy, maybe I am.
"I think I should ask you that" He says and looks down on his feet.
"I don't know how I'm holding up, at least I'm alive" Am I though? I know that my body is alive, but am I alive? My personality, who am I even? I always knew who I were with Kylie, but now without her?
I force myself to smile, and Jay smiles back. He doesn't smile like he normally do, maybe he forced it as well. 

I haven't talked to Kylie's older brother in a long time now, he's a few years older then her and doesn't live home anymore. Although mum told os that he will soon join us since his mother don't want him far away. I understand her, he's now her only family member. Kylies father died a few years ago. I don't remember why, I only remember that Kylie was sad for two months. Now I'm Kylie only I haven't lost my father, I lost her. Speaking of my father, it looks like he's on his way back from the store. He has been shopping food, mainly milk and other stuff, i didn't really look. Although I saw mostly milk packages, maybe because that's what we will use more than other products. 

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Kylies brother arrived, at first i thought that he would be angry with me. Because I couldn't save her, even though I know that he's not someone that get's angry. Anyway I can se that hes walking to me after embracing his mother. 
"I'm sorry that you had to be there when she" His voice cracks "When she died. Although if anyone should have, I'm glad it was you Sam" He says. His bigger now, looks like hes been hitting the gym. 
"I heard you were in a mental hospital" He continues. "That can't have been very nice. What did they do to you?" I'm surprised he's this nice to me.
"They didn't do anything that could kill me. I just didn't like it there. They did want me to go through everything that happened this last year though" It might be silly that I didn't want to tell them. But to my surprise he understood me.
"I thought that we were suposed to be in Scotland" He says.
"Yeah, we have just stopped for now. We're going to continue to Livingston in two days" I say. After a few minutes we walk our in different directions. 

So we're all gathered, well except Kylie. Although I can't say that for sure, she might be with us, looking down at us somewhere. Even though I can't see her, she might see me. Or all of us, i don't know. What am I going to do? I can't do this for a long time, I'm holding up better, only that's what I let other people see. They see my figure, but not me. 

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We're driving past Crawford, we don't have that many hours left. On our way to Livingston I fell asleep. I didn't dream, it was a dreamless sleep. Even though everybody dreams when they sleep I just can't remember any dream. Maybe I should be happy because judging by my sheet, it must have been about Kylie.