Psycho(logy) *under construction*

5. Regret

Harry

"I've never stopped Char..."

I was a coward to tell Char while she was asleep. To tell her that I've never stopped caring about her, that I've never stopped thinking about her, and that I've never stopped loving her. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her in person; all these years I couldn't handle talking to her. It hurt too much knowing that she was no longer mine; I was such an idiot for letting her go.

But, I did. I couldn't go back to 2009 and take back what I'd said to her. I was a stupid kid back then who didn't know that Charlotte was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

As I walked to my room across the hall I couldn't stop repeating those words. Those cold, cruel words that I told her the summer before she left.

I looked into the mirror while brushing my teeth. It took everything in me to fight the urge to punch it. All I saw staring back at me was a 15 year old asshole who broke the heart of the girl he loved.

As soon as that crossed my mind, I thought of Char, and how if I told her that I saw a 15 year old me in the mirror she would probably say that I was exhibiting symptoms of Schizophrenia that may be causing visual hallucinations or some shit like that. I smiled. That's what the old Char would have said anyway. It didn't seem like she had changed much, but I felt that something was different. I couldn't pin point exactly what it was. Maybe it was the fact that she didn't love me anymore, perhaps because she hated me for hurting her so badly.

I lay in my bed and closed my eyes but I couldn't sleep. I kept seeing Charlotte's eyes. The way they had lost their usual bright shade of blue, the light dimming from them as they became glossy under the summer sun, when I told her. The moment I spoke the words that would doom me. I didn't know why I had said them. Out of fear maybe, out of fear of loving someone so wholeheartedly and unconditionally like I did her, out of fear of giving Charlotte my heart and hoping she wouldn't drop it, especially considering how clumsy she was, but as soon as they had left my mouth I regretted them.

I groaned and punched my mattress in a rage of fury. I felt my face burn red in scalding anger as I beat the shit out of it. I punched until my arms became exhausted, until I felt the faint touch of the springs of the bed beneath my fist. I was glad that I had chosen something that didn't make much. noise; I didn't want to worry Char.

I felt tears well up in my eyes out of frustration. How the fuck could I have said what I had said and to Char of all people? I ran my fingers through my hair and clenched the clusters of strands, tugging on them harshly.

I thought of the breathing exercises Char had taught me in order to calm me down when I was anxious, agitated, or stressed.

I took the time to lie down on my bed, and looked up at the ceiling.

I placed the tip of my tongue above the back of my front teeth the way Char had taught me.

"'Okay, now exhale through your mouth Harry. Harry! I'm being serious. I don't care if you think you look stupid, just do it. It'll help.'

I looked a Char with a stupid grin and did what I was told. I just kept thinking how absurd this was. How could changing the way I breathe possibly reduce my stress?

'This is so stupid Char, can I stop?'

'No, it is not stupid and you cannot stop. Just do what I tell you. Trust me, okay?'

I nodded. I did trust her and if this didn't work, I'll act like it did to spare her feelings.

'Exhale through your mouth, make sure the tip of your tongue is above the back of your front teeth as you do so.'

'I have an idea of what I could do with my tongue to relax; it just won't be in my mouth.'

I chuckled as she whacked my chest.

'Seriously Harry. Please.' She looked at me with so much plead in her eyes that I couldn't resist.

She showed me the rest of the technique and I sighed in content. It had worked and I felt calmer. When I opened my eyes, I looked at Charlotte, and she looked beautiful. Her hair fell down towards me as she tried to push it behind her ear. Her lips were in a wide and adorable grin. I watched as her eyes looked at me in anticipation of my response.

I sat up and pulled her into a hug, burying my head into her hair as I repeatedly whispered in her ear words of gratitude."

I smiled at the memory and drifted off to sleep.

"This, what we had here Charlotte, wasn't real, alright? I don't want you to get your hopes up that we'll call each other every day and write letters to one another every week because we're not. I promise you that we won't grow up and get married and have kids, and we're not going to live happily ever after. This is reality, when you're gone I'm going to meet plenty of other girls and I'll date them and I'll forget about you. So, do yourself a favor and forget about me too, 'kay."

I was jolted awake by the memory of the harsh words I had spoken to Charlotte that terrible day.

I was a douche for telling her that. I fucked up. I lost her, the best thing that has ever happened to me.

And now... I'd never get her back.

I seriously love this chapter! There ya go, more intel on their past!

What would you want their ship name to be Charry or Harlotte?

Thank you so much to anyone who comments or even reads this story! It means a lot to me :)

Comment, vote, fan!

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