Dear Kiera,
You're probably wondering why you have a letter from me. The letter that you are reading now is my swansong. Everyone tells the story of when a mute swan is about to die, it sings a single, mournful song. From that single sentence you've probably worked out why you have this letter. By this point I'll be gone. Gone to pastures afresh. You'll be wondering why this is my swansong. Here's why.
At school you've more than likely noticed that I've become more withdrawn. Quieter. Why? Because you - and everyone else who I was "friends" - have been ignoring me. I spent ages trying to figure out why. Now I think I've got it: you don't want to be my friend anymore. Don't want to know me. I was told things that I thought were not true; but then what if they were? What if I had been blind to the fact that you all wanted me to go away? What if the lack of conversation when I was around was a subtle hint? You're probably wondering what they are. I'll tell you: I was told that you hated me. Told that you didn't want me hanging around, told that you wanted me to stop pestering you. I was told that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
At first I couldn't believe it. Surely not you, the self proclaimed tall 4 year old who cared for everyone. Who wanted nothing more than to make me happy. I'll tell you this: for a while you did. I let you into my life, showed you parts of mine that no-one had ever seen before. Told you things that no-one had ever been told before. I wondered, occasionally, if it was a front, that you were simply being nice to me because it made you look good. I wondered if you were being nice for the sake of being nice.
But recently you became colder, more hostile towards me. I took it as a sign that you didn't want to talk to me. I took it as a sign that you wanted me out of your life, out of your friends lives as well. Now I wonder if you were simply reciprocating the way I acted towards you. Were you? I guess I'll never find out. When I snapped at you recently, I didn't mean it. Just frustration that had to be let out. For snapping at you, I'm sorry. My apology is hollow, meaningless to you isn't it? But you snapped right back at me, ignored me. Made fun of me. Stood by when others made fun of me. Everything that I was told was being proved true right in front of my eyes.
To be told and to see that someone who you thought had trusted you, stand by like that is disheartening. It proved to me that no-one cared for me at school, that my social life was there to be made fun of, turned into a joke. And that joke to be helped by someone I thought I knew was the last straw. In what will be my last act of defiance against you; my life IS NOT A JOKE! DO YOU HEAR ME? OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY WORRYING ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR FRIENDS TO CARE ABOUT ME?
I had to make 2 decisions. 2 final decisions. One was to send you this letter. To show to you, to prove to you, that despite everything that you did: I trusted you.
My other decision will be found out shortly enough.
By now that decision is final. I'm not coming back. You didn't want me. No-one wanted me.
Enjoy a life that I'm not in. Not in to pester you. Not in to snap at you. Not in to stifle the conversations that are flowing even now as you read this letter. Not in to separate you from your friends - Victoria, Jenny, Callum. You know who the rest are.
This is my swansong,
Jacob
