Kiera,
I realise that I haven't written in a long time and so this must be a little unexpected. But I want to explain some stuff to you.
They say that the beginning is a good place to start so let us begin at the end. The end being now.
Currently, I feel all sorts of emotions. But not the same sort of emotions as I did before. Not happiness or joy. I feel sad. I feel disappointed. Not disappointed at you. Disappointed with myself. My opinion of myself varies every day though there is always one constant. That constant is that they are always negative. The reason why it stays constant is because it's true. I'm a dick. I am a twat. I am a retard. I am clingy. I am bothersome.
I feel that I am unwanted. And I'm feeling correctly because I am. I am unwanted. Let me develop this further.
Recently, I've been waiting for you every day. Why? Because for a few minutes I can spend some time with you without Fiona, Clare, Harriet or Lucy being there. Don't get me wrong, they're good people - supremely talented, popular, pretty. But they make me feel unwanted. I feel that they don't like our friendship or me. And for not liking me, I can see why - not talented in anything, massively unpopular and unattractive. I guess what I'm trying to say is... they'd much rather you were friends with them and not with me over you being friends with them and friends with me.
I also feel that you don't want me around as much as you perhaps did before. There aren't any hugs shared between us any more. Or any physical contact really. Why is that? You hug everyone else, share physical contact with everyone else but me. Are you showing me non-verbally that you want me to go? To go forever? If that is what you want me to do, I understand. I mean, I'm not talented or popular or attractive even in the loosest sense of the word. So why have a friend like me when you've got friends like Fiona, Clare, Harriet, Lucy, Callum, Jenny, Victoria, Susannah, Kate, Lauren and all your other friends?
I make other people happy.... by leaving. No-one wants me around because I'm a retard, a dick, a twat and loads of other things for which I do not know the name of.
With your squad - Fiona, Clare, Harriet, Lucy, Jenny, Callum - I feel that I've been replaced. Replacement is an odd word to use. It sounds so clinical, uncaring. I guess that it suits the way I feel towards myself. It means to substitute an item or person for a similar or different or superior item or person. People get replaced; in jobs though. People, especially teenagers, don't get replaced within social groups. Unless that person is me. I get replaced regularly because people don't need me or want me around any more.
I am but just a thought that flies through the back of someone's mind, unheeded and uninterrupted. A mere glimpse on the periphery.
I've spent a lot of time recently thinking. Being pensive is fairly easy - all you need to do is filter out the world.
I've been thinking about leaving. Permanently. I just don't fit in anywhere. I guess it's because I feel...no I am awkward, I am needy, I am clingy. I mean, what do I do? I have no benefit, only downfalls and problems that people don't need or want to have. I'm a waste of time and effort and space and money. I just feel… no I know that people prefer not having to put up with me, that they would prefer me not to exist because it makes it easier to talk, to have fun, to enjoy themselves and what they're doing. I feel that I am I feel inadequate and like I am bothering you when you've got more important things to do than listen to me or see or massively more interesting people to be with than be with me. Even now, telling you what I've been thinking about is making me feel needy and bothersome because you don't need or want to listen to me. It was a mistake thinking that you did. I'm a mistake. I made a mistake by being around, by bothering you and Jenny and Lucy and Sarah because I have nowhere where I can go, no one to be around. But you don't want to have me around - not that I blame you. I wouldn't want to have me around either. I made a mistake. I'm going to try to repair the damage caused by my mistake, my mistake of existing.
Goodbye Kiera, just remember something: I love you forever and always, no matter what.
Jacob
Defined as a noun as a strong feeling of affection and as a verb, feeling deep affection for something, is love. Humans fall in love; they say "I love you." or "Love you." Everyone I know has done those three things. Everyone but me. I've only done the last two. And even then, it tends to a reciprocation to someone else who has said it. No-one has ever fallen in love with me. And no-one ever will. Why? Because that's what people do. They fall in love with people who they like having around, with people they are comfortable with, with people who they find attractive. I have yet to find anyone who likes having me around, who is comfortable with me, who finds me attractive. Everyone who's name I gave you a little while back... I don't like anymore. Why? Because they deserve so, so, so much better than me. Everyone deserves so much better than me. Friends, dating. Everyone deserves so much better than me in those regards.
And that is that. End of the line. Fin. End. Terminal stop. Kiera, thank you. Thank you for everything.
I'll go. But before I do, I want to say this:
I love you, forever, always, no matter what. I love you.
Jacob x
