I Deduce Romance | Benedict Cumberbatch

13 - One touch

Have you ever been in love? Like real love? Not the kind fans have for their favorite celebrity, or the kind of love you have towards friends and family. The love for another person who means the world to you. The person you want to spend the rest of your life with. The person who knows exactly what to do to make your heart beat like it was a roller coaster. Who knows exactly what to say to you when you're upset. 

To define love is one of the hardest things to explain in words. Some might say love is a dangerous disadvantage. Like it's a distraction for you, and just gets in your way of being really happy. But most people will say that love is the best thing you can ever experience in life. When you're riding the high of love your smile always meets your ears, topped with that warm, tingly feeling in the pit of your stomach. But when you're on the downside of the rush, it feels more like a thousand burning needles to the heart. There's only one emotion that can take you from one extreme to the next, that is and will always be love. Often when we try to explain these feelings aloud, it's hard to transform all of that emotion into words. 

And as the next two weeks went on, I found it rather hard to be around Ben for every time that I met him. It was like a fight between my head and my heart. The head was telling me to stay strong and try to avoid the feelings my heart was near to explode off. I thought I had all the feelings possible when I was living in New York, and following all these fan accounts, and being updated whenever Ben was out on something, but during the time I've spent with him for real, I've got to know him better. I've learned, and still am, how he is around his friends and how he is when he's out among other people. During the time without him, I have been filled with all kinds of emotions, which has only grown stronger for each day. I've never felt like that before over someone.

I had a boyfriend, but I've never really had the urge to kiss him just out of the blue. That was rather different with Ben. Now that I know how I feel about Ben, I can't say that I loved my first boyfriend. When I've been around him, and especially alone, all I wanted was for him to touch me with his long, slender fingers, to take off my clothes one by one, to kiss me everywhere with his well curved lips, to make love to me like it was no tomorrow...

That's what my mind decided to fantasize about at night. For him to take me, to claim me his and to just take me wherever he wanted.

Oh, these thoughts, these dreams... But that's it could ever be, I was sure of it. Then again, there was the thing Amanda said at the party. I just couldn't get my head around it if it were true. Then there was the little scene at their porch when Ben leaned closer to me. It seemed like he was about to make a move, but then we got interrupted, of course. I didn't blame Martin for it, but I'd like to see what would've happen hadn't it went undisturbed.

It was hard to face him after these imaginary dreams had started. I struggled to take my mind off it when we were together and I felt like an idiot to even think that way about him.

What I know for sure is that if I don't do anything about it, and that very soon, I don't think I'll be able to hold them in anymore. However, I can't just walk up to him and kiss him either. And if I'm gonna try and tell him what I feel, I'm afraid I'd make a complete fool of myself, not being able to talk or get it out the right way.

Then there's also that eye contact we had almost once every time we hung out. It was like pain and comfort all together. I got hypnotized in his eyes. They stared right into my soul.

Okay, say that we were together, like a couple. I'm not sure if I would handle all the attention and cameras and all the fame Ben had. People would definitely see us together. And how do I tell my friends? My family? I had told my mom about meeting Ben and some of the other actors from Sherlock, but not gotten into details. I just needed to sort this out for myself first before everyone else knew.