Tolerant

This is not a poem

Alot is going on in my mind right now. I don't want to write a poem. I just want to write. Write all my thoughts that are crashing in my mind. My mom keeps getting drunk. She always has. At least it's not drugs like before. But still. She'll drink from first thing in the morning until late at night. Each time I spend a weekend with her I beg her not to do this. She still does. Each time she promises she won't get drunk. She breaks my trust. I have no more faith in her. I know now that she will always choose her addiction over me. I guess comming first is too much to ask her. One memory keeps playing in my head. An image more like it. An image of her sobreity coins or tokens, whatever they are called. I used to think my mom actually stopped doing drugs when she finally got me back after two years. Now I know she lied. I feel betrayed by the coins. A whole bunch of colors collided together is a clear ash tray, tucked away somewhere safe. They gave me false hope that my mom chosen me over the drugs. Lately my temper has been strained. I yell at her now. She yells back. I try to stop her. She laughs. I get told my mom doesn't love me. I get told she's crazy. I get told she belongs in a mental aslym. The worst part is that I believe these things I'm told. I don't understand why she won't just stop. I know it's not easy but she has had so many opportunities. I'm just done. The last time I was with her and she was getting drunk, I hated her. I wished that she wasn't my mom. I wished that she'd just love me and not expect me to give her my undying love when she can't do the one thing I desire most for me. It's like a waiting game now. I'm just waiting for her to drink herself to death. I know it will happen. There's no denying that. She tells me she wants to change. She tells me she's sorry. But I don't believe her. How can I when she has let me down so many times? It's funny because no matter how many times she does this, I know I will still do anything for her. Slowly I can feel myself falling apart. I know her situation is the cause for this. It started last year when I began to hate myself because I though her drunkness was my fault. At the time she would get drunk them talk about sucide. It scared the shit out of me. It got to the point where I hated myself so much I stopped caring. Started skipping classes, letting my grades slips and forming a small reputation that later bites me in the ass. I was a bitch last year. I'm not going to lie, I done alot of regrettable things. Like drop old friends or cut everyone off.  When I finally stopped hating myself i tried to change.  But it's hard. So hard. I was doing good for along time. Until recently.  I just started to crack once more again.  I pushed my friends away. Made school feel like hell. The worst part is knowing that everything that's gone down the last month. Everyday now I walking into school and feel like I'm being suffercated. I can no longer sit still.
I just wait for the minutes to quickly tick by. But they don't. Instead they seem drawn out and agonizing.  Everyday at school I know I have to face the consequences of my actions. Everyday I think about my mom, My lost friends, My mess that I don't know how to clean up. Everyday I fear that one day I am going to end up like my mom.