Thirteen Is Better Than Fifty (Hetalia)

Thirteen Is Better Than Fifty!

Alfred sipped his coffee, settling into his brother's couch. The nation of America enjoyed visiting his brother Canada's place for the beautiful scenery, though Matthew said it would be nicer if Alfred didn't scare off all the birds with his loud voice. Matthew's couch faced a glass wall, beyond which a lovely mountain range was displayed, and America was enjoying the view. The Canadian himself was having tea, a drink Alfred despised (what, he didn't throw it all in the harbour just for a laugh), and the two sipped their hot drinks for a moment, letting the silence stretch itself between them.

The silence was broken moments later, however, by a loud argument floating over the mountains.

Matthew groaned in annoyance, setting down his tea. They were at it again.

"Dude, what the hell is that." Alfred asked, draining the last drops of coffee out of the bottom of his mug. "It sounds like a cat fight."

"It is." Matthew muttered, but before Alfred could ask him to clarify, the voices grew in intensity and he could hear what they were saying.

The voices were feminine, although one was deeper than the other with a French accent. They were hurling insults at each other like Turkey and Greece.

"What the fuck. Why did you come all the way to my place just to pick a fight?" One said.

"I didn't, thanks." This was the French-accented voice. "I came to see Yuki, but since you're being a bitch-"

"She doesn't want to see you. Go the fuck away."

"Correction: you don't want her to see me. Christ, you have issues."

"Says the alcoholic whose best friend is a druggie."

"Bash Newfie again and I'll bash your face in."

With this last threat, the girls who were arguing stepped into view. One was a blonde with big brown eyes. She was wearing light grey jeans and a green blouse. The other was a chesty brunette whose hair almost completely covered her left eye. Her attire consisted of a purple shirt, dark jeans, red pumps, a choker necklace, and a pendant. The French-accented voice belonged to her.

"Who are they?!" Alfred asked, bewildered.

"You don't remember." Matthew sighed, not seeming very surprised. "British Columbia and Québec. They hate each other more than anything."

"Oh yeah!" Realization dawned on Alfred's face. "I remember one of your provinces busting in the meeting room a couple years ago."

"I sincerely regret having that meeting in Charlottetown." Matthew shook his head. "I should have known Jacob would show up."

"Kiku seemed to recognize him..." Alfred mused, thinking back to the world meeting.

"Japan does enjoy Prince Edward Island's scenery. I mean, the place, not the personification." Matthew chuckled a little bit.

"You bitchass prick, you want to fucking go?" They heard from outside.

"Let's go asshole, I hate you!"

"Oh, they're going to kill me one of these days." Matthew's shoulders drooped as he watched his provinces attempt to bitchslap each other. Alfred watched them like it was a reality TV show.

"Hey, at least you don't have fifty of 'em! Now that's terrifying." Alfred said.

"Oh, yeah?"

"First of all there's the South. Texas and Alabama can be pretty racist, California takes way too many selfies, and Florida's worse than Switzerland when it comes to guns. He also has a thing for alligators, which is fucking weird."

Matthew laughed. "That does sound terrifying."

"Colorado's been smoking weed for years, Alaska's a rebellious teen, New York thinks he's all that, and Kansas sings Carry On Wayward Son at every possible moment. Oh, and Hawaii just needs to chill."

"Okay," Matthew decided to retaliate. "Let me tell you about my thirteen provinces from hell. Northwest Territories is a player and a fuckboy, Manitoba's too patriotic it freaks me out, New Brunswick is a meme loving fuck, Nova Scotia is a goddamn yandere, and Ontario... Actually I don't have anything bad to say about him."

Alfred coughed and made a noise that sounded suspiciously like 'I ship it' but Matthew decided to ignore that.

"Saskatchewan is really salty and takes football too seriously, Québec and Newfoundland do drugs together, PEI is just a blithering idiot, Alberta won't man up and admit his feelings for BC, and Yukon is an actual cinnamon roll."

"You forgot one." Alfred told him.

"Eh?"

"You said there was thirteen."

"Oh, right. Nunavut." Matthew shrugged. "He kind of just does his own thing. I hardly see him except at meetings."

Hearing shrieks, Matthew suddenly snapped to attention. BC had her hands wrapped around Québec's throat. He shoved open the glass door.

"CALLIE BEATRICE WILLIAMS, YOU GET YOUR HANDS OFF MARIE RIGHT THIS SECOND!" He screamed. The two stopped fighting, scowling darkly at each other.

"Now," He continued in a calmer voice, "Marie, go home. Callie, go lie down or something." Matthew walked back into the house, plopping down on the couch and rubbing his forehead tiredly.

"You're right, bro, they will kill you. Quebec looks ready to murder." Alfred commented. However, she contented herself with a death glare and sullenly throwing a cigarette into the beautiful lake.

"I've got my own personal France and England here. Oh, joy." Matthew rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't be surprised if Québec picked a fight with BC just to piss me off. She's  threatened to become independent a few times, and insists her surname be 'Bonnefoy-Williams' instead of just 'Williams' like everybody else."

"Shipped." Alfred whispered.

"Will you stop shipping me with my provinces?!"

Alfred gave a dramatic sigh. "You're no fun."

"You know what, I pity you, Alfred. I go through this shit all the time, I'd hate to think of what it'd be like with fifty of them."

A/N: If you're from Texas or Alabama, sorry about that. The truth is I don't know much about the states so I was going off stereotypes. Which is basically the entirety of Hetalia, so.

Yes, I have made OCs for the provinces and territories of Canada. I have not made any for the states because I honestly can't fuckin do it. My brain was wiped after creating five OCs, I could never do fifty. People from Northwest Territories aren't all players and not all Newfies do drugs, I was just running out of ideas for some characters.

I'm in the process of coming up with human names for them, so I kinda wanted an excuse to use them. That's why Canada randomly yells their human names at them. Oh and yes, Jacob is PEI. Idk don't judge me

In a way I guess this is kinda self promotion? If you want to, you can take a look at my full province OC book, but I probly won't update it because my salty friend, who I'm writing it with, doesn't want to work on the actual book, she just wants to write Yukon x Quebec fluff.

On the topic of ships, let me list my OC ships because why the hell not.

Yubec (OTP)
Onada/OnCan
JapEI
OnSask
Nova Columbia
Yukumbia
Alumbia
Nufoundland

Alright this A/N is super long and no one is reading it anyway so I'll just end it here. Au revoir!

P.S.: it's twelve AM what am I doing with my life