Somewhat Dead

01: The beginning of the end

[01: The beginning of the end] Kinda edited

Jaslynn Fine

The air was cold and relentless. The willow trees weeped silently as I passed. My school satchel hitting my side as I walked. Papers shuffling and pens clanking together each time it hit. I pulled my jacket closed, trying to block as much of the chill as I could. Which I guess is weird to do, considering what I was about to do would leave me cold forever. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and picked up the pace. I couldn't afford any of my neighbors seeing where I was heading.

The day had been filled with subtle hints to my friends about my departure from there lives, mostly along the lines of, "You do know you'll have to leave me behind when you go to that fancy business school in New York Deovan, and Hailey, you're ganna have to kick me to the curb when you head over to that fashion school. Hahaha, promise me you'll take care of you're selves yeah?" And Hailey saying something along the lines of, "C'mon Jas, that's a good while from now. Shouldn't we be cherishing our time now?" And me responding with, "Anything can happen Hails, it's best to be prepared." And them both promising to take care of themselves when we split apart if I agreed to go the same. They'd been kinder to me then I'd been to myself, and it made me feel so much  better knowing they'd be okay when I was gone.

I feel a cold fingertip brush against my cheek, pushing a lock of my hair behind my ear. I stir in my bed, my purple comforter riding up my thigh. Hot breath hit my ear in fast heavy puffs. I open my eyes and am met with the grey pools that are my father's, and they look as evil and menacing as ever.

The fallen leaves crunch under my boot, blending with all the others that have been crushed by someone who had come before me. The sound breaking me out of the memory that has haunted me more than any other before it, and the one that I'd least expected to have. My father has done a lot of things, a lot of horrible, horrible things. But what he'd done last night, was something I thought at least he would never consider doing. And no matter what I couldn't escape from it. It never ended. The events just played over and over and over inside my head like a broken record, and I had no way of fixing it.

I opened my mouth to scream, only for him to force his tongue into the opening. I arched off of my bed in surprise, Hot tears forming in my eyes. His cold clammy hands stroking and groping me everywhere he could. I pushed and pounded on his chest as hard as I could hoping he'd let me go. He only laughed.

I wiped away the tears beginning to form in the corners of my eyes with the back of my black wool glove. The dampness of the fabric soon seeping into my skin, and when hit by the harsh wind, stinging my hand. With each step I made, I became more confident in my movements; picking up a steady sway almost as if I was dancing to a song only I and the heavens could hear.

My nerves had settled enough to leave me in a peaceful contentment I don't think I even felt when my mother was alive, it's a feeling you could only get when knowing exactly where you're going, and what you will experience when you get there. Hold on Mama. I'm coming.

His breath reeked of stale beer and chewing tobacco, tears ran down my face and snot out my nose but it didn't seem to bother him, in fact, it fueled him. A sinister grin filled his face, his lips pulled back over his stained teeth, that in the shine of the moonlight resembled long menacing fangs took up almost the entire bottom half of his face. He yanked the covers off of me and continued his assault on my body, ripping of my pajamas and underwear. I felt absolutely disgusted. Not with him-- but with myself. How could I have prevented this? Why haven't I left yet? Goddamn it I could have left! I'm so stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

When he had finished with me, he tossed me the house phone just to play with me. Knowing that I would never call the police. That was how pathetic I was; too afraid to even call the police. I laid on my blood stained bed and stared at my sealing for hours. Hoping the white paint would cleanse my mind of all the filth that had just entered it. All the filth that had entered me. In the morning he'd made me attend school, making sure to slam me hard into the wall of the doorway, grip my neck hard enough to bruise, and remind me that he would kill me if I told anyone.

When I reached the cliff, I stood just next to the edge, my heart pounding against my chest like a drum in an inconstant rhythm. I then opened my jacket and laid it in the dead grass, just next to the decaying dandelions. Next I took off my gloves, scarf, hat, and ear muffs.

I spared a glance at the water. It was not its normal crystal blue-- but a murky brown. Reflecting the fact that there was no life currently in it, and that in the springs absence there would never be. I gulped as my nerves started to go haywire again. I had to do it now. Before I talked myself out of it. I took the bottle of sleeping pills out of my pocket and gripped them tightly. My hand shaking not just from the cold, but from anticipation.

My breath was visible in the in the low temperature. Coming on short uneven puffs. Alright Jaslynn. You can do this. Just think about it. You and mom for eternity, together. No more pain, no more sadness. Just happiness.

I smiled to myself and eagerly unscrewed the top of the bottle. Watching the little white pills poor into my opposing hand.

I'm coming Mama.

I raised my courage, took the pills into my mouth, got up, and jumped.