Poetry of the Anonymous

VIII - "I'm Scared"

I'm scared, scared of the large crowds, the friendship circles, the cliques and my obvious absence of friendship-making techniques.

I'm scared of the laughter, scared of never being sought after.

Scared of being a tool within the entirety of my lonely school.

I'm scared of the stares, scared that someone may never answer my prayers.

I'm scared of walking alone, scared of my facades being broken down to the bone.

I'm scared, scared of sinking like a stone into the icy waters amercing me as I groan and fall to the bathroom floor crying, scared of dying alone.

A lost soul who never could score a good goal, who never could make the other guys laugh by ripping up some poor kid's graph.

I'm the one who hums to himself as I sweep off the crumbs of my broken dreams.

I'm the one who, due to their low self-esteem, became horribly over-lean.

I'm scared, scared of the premature judgement, scared that no one will ever know what it meant when I said: I'm okay just a little tired.

I'm scared that it'll never get easier, scared that I'll never stop my habit of bulimia, that no psychoanalysis can ever pin point the exact moment I could no longer piss if someone was watching.

I'm scared of uploading a photo onto Facebook because my so called friends will take one good look and laugh to their mates about how I enjoy watching debates.

I'm scared of all the hate, the premature labelling of my fate due to a grade that I know will eventually fade.

I'm scared to talk, scared that someone will make a cork joke, watch out they shout I hear he may be gay.

I'm scared for it to be my birthday, scared that it's just another day, scared that I'll never hear someone say: Hey man I hear it's your birthday, is there something I can get you to make it all okay.

I'm scared of someone finding out, of maybe one day just coming out and screaming to fuck society – I just want to be fee.

I'm scared of ever really showing what it's like to be me, what it's like to hate the rest of your family tree, what it's like to have no friends who can agree that this world is nothing but a barren sea and you a lonely sailor whose life will ever be a failure.

I'm scared of going home, a place where I feel even more alone.

I'm scared, scared of never living my life, scared that I'll never stop using a knife for self-harm every time I hear that fucking alarm screaming, dragging me from my beautiful dreaming, making me wish my life was done.

I guess I don't see the point if it's never any fun.

I'm scared of other people's smiles, scared that today I won't run enough miles to escape the brutal jokes about how I've got really fat folks.

I'm scared to raise my hand in a lesson, scared to speak out in case it becomes another laughing session, scared to share what I have to say because someone else will call me gay.

I'm scared to say hello, scared that I will never grow, scared that I'll die without leaving a trace, scared my father will never find his happy place.

I'm scared, scared to ask out that pretty girl on a date, scared she'll say that I wasn't too late but that no girl would ever say yes and that it was written clearly in my fate.

I'm scared to post a picture, as a wave of abuse awaits.

I'm scared that they'll never know the weight of their words; that they'll never know that words on my weight made me hate myself; made me want to kill myself, made me want to throw up and starve myself, made me want to throw away my good health.

I'm scared, scared that mum will never come home, scared that she'll leave me alone; scared she'll never say: I love you son; scared she won't care when my life is done.

I'm scared that the voices in my head will never stop making me cry in my bed.

I'm scared of the night.

Scared that my life will never take flight.

Scared that at the end of the tunnel there'll never be a light.

I'm scared.

Scared of the playground fight, that groomed him into a happy man; that doomed me to endless hours crying to a therapist in the san.

I'm scared, scared because I never would have thought this could one day be something I shared.

I'm scared.