Fear

Part 3

The sundress ^^

I remember I used to be happy. I remember being that enthusiastic 7 year old who would jump all over their dad when they got home from insane hours of work.

I remember rambling on and on about school and the things that I learned as my mother would cook dinner. I remember being a normal kid.

That is until the chaos roamed around my family. Leaving me alone in my own nagging thoughts, grasping every happy thought out of my reach and away from everything I ever known. Until I forgot about everything.

Everything that was ever included as happy was diminished into thin air. Floating about in the New York polluted air. New York is supposed to be a happy place. A place people go to follow there dreams and hopes they had as a child. The dreams and hopes I forgot long ago.

**5 years ago**

I was walking home from school in my sunflower dress that my mother had given me. She claimed she kept it for years knowing it would look just as adorable on her own kid than it did on her, that or it would look much better.

My hair was pushed to the side where a braid had been neatly done before my mother sent me off to school with a quick peck to my head and a gentle hug. My friends lived near me so they would walk with me to my house so we wouldn't have to walk alone.

My feet grazed the pavement, my knees bobbing up and down at every step I took. I gripped the sides of my backpack, a habit I received after being nervous from attending a new school.

I reached my door step, opening the unlocked door like I was told to do hours ago. The moment I walked in I was hit with an unknown emotion. My aunts and uncles sitting on the couch. Why are they here? They never come here unless it's something important. Thoughts flashed through my mind.

I shakily shut the door behind me, setting my back pack on the floor like usual. As I stood there, I noticed everyone holding crumpled tissues in there hands. Examining everything, I noticed there faces were red, their eyes puffy. I took a few steps closer, trying to understand what was going on.

My aunt read my expression, knowing what I was looking for, she grabbed my small hands with hers. She exhaled a long shaky breath, fanning our intwined hands. "Sweetie, your mom was in an accident" she stated. I slowly removed my hands from hers, letting everything sink in.

"Well then we should see if she's okay-she has to be at a doctor-dad did you take her to a doctor?-can we go to the doctor?-where is she?" I rambled as I looked at everybody in the room frantically. My eyes wide.

My dad looked down at everything that went on, not once looking up. Everyone shared expressions with one another as my words left my mouth. I saw as tears began to flood their eyes before they looked away from my helpless stares. With that, I pieced everything together. She wasn't just hurt. She was dead. And my own father couldn't even tell me the horrid news, he had someone I hardly known do it for him.

Every tear, every hurt look, it was because they didn't know how to tell a child that she was never going to see her mother again. That her mother wasn't going to be there to help her get ready for prom. That her mother wasn't going to be there when she so desperately needed advice revolving around girl problems. That her mother wouldn't be there to watch her walk down the aisle. That her mother wouldn't be there when she had her first kid. Her mother wouldn't be there to watch her child grow as years went by. She wouldn't be there.

With the information detangling in my thoughts, I slowly walked back, nodding my head no in a quick motion. My chest jumping as I inhaled and exhaled fast, cracky breaths. With one last look at everyone, I turned and ran into my pink room. The room my mother had furnished.

Tugging the door shut behind me, I looked around my room, thoughts consuming my every move. My heart dropped to my stomach, my hands trembling. My legs felt weak as I collapsed to the rugged ground.

My throat constricted and only then did I realize, that my life would never be the same. There will always be a dent where only my mother could fix. Only then did I allow myself to break down in sobs.

I cried the rest of the night, everything hitting me at once. Like a rush of waves from a disastrous sea, crashing and pounding on top of my small body. Filling my throat with water, stealing all the oxygen I had left in me. Leaving nothing but cold salt water to wash up on my pruned skin. Endless tears running out of my dark and lifeless eyes.

And that's how I feel asleep that night; in the sundress my mother had given me.

***

I felt my heart shake in agony as I relived the thoughts I had pushed away for so long. Why am I all the sudden thinking about this? I turn my body, staring at nothing but an abandoned building. He left. Just like everyone in my life. I ignore the neglected feeling bubbling up inside me. Getting angry at myself for thinking of him like he would actually fight for me. No one would fight for someone as broken as me.

Sitting up from my position, I begin to walk somewhere I thought I never would've walked again. I followed the path to my mothers grave.