Alexithymia: Frerard

Alexithymia: Intro (filler)

Alexithymia
Noun:
Difficulty in experiencing, expressing, and describing emotional responses.

I was a 24 year-old, fairly socially inept, isolated college drop-out living on minimum wage in a less than average apartment above Minnie's Cafe. I had no friends, my parents were divorced, my brother lived in a penthouse, working as the head of BL Industries and I was working full time at a local mini-mart. Okay, that's still me, but it sounded so much better. You're probably thinking 'here we go. Another pathetic, cliche story from some attention seeking idiot who doesn't fit in with the normal crowd'. In which case, you're kind of right, but I'm not prepared to admit such information.

Despite me already seeming completely uninteresting and kind of depressing, I do possess a burning passion for art. It fills the void where people just don't seem to. Although, we're not talking Picasso shit here, more Watchmen if you know what I mean. Okay, yes, I'm a bit of a nerd. Yes, you'll find me at the local comic book store in a duffle coat with a 15 year old's scruffy hair cut. Did you expect anything less? What else do I have to keep myself occupied, counting potatoes?

One last thing I haven't mentioned, basically the main reason I'm like this. When I was 12 years old, I was diagnosed with "alexithymia" which basically means I don't express or detect feelings very well. I mean, it isn't a really bad case, but if it's an overwhelming or strong feeling, it's hard for me to express myself or connect with it. You know that feeling you get when you run and bath and the water's really fucking hot and you get in and let your body adjust for a moment, and then when it does you kind of just sit there all sweaty just staring at the wall, feeling disconnected to, pretty much everything? It's basically like that for me, but the majority time. I think the last time I cried was around 8 or 9, I think? I find it pretty hard to connect with people, even as friends. Maybe you don't understand. Maybe you do. If you asked me to explain what I think about emotions, you probably won't get the clearest answer. Every time I think of emotions, I think of a chamber-type room in my head. I think cold, stone white floor and cave-like walls. This is where the emotion part comes in. I always imagine emotions as like coloured dust in the air. It just lingers. It can't really move because it can't get through the walls or the floor. That's what alexithymia feels like. It can't land or go anywhere, it just won't connect to your brain or your heart.

Okay, so, yeah. That's that. Doesn't get much more exciting than that. Anti social nerd who can't express emotions towards others very well, the guy you wanna call for a good time. That's not sexual because I'm still like low key a virgin. Oh, my name's Gerard by the way. Yeah, it isn't nice to meet me.