Love Letters

I am a Calculator

Dear Foxymama,

How my heart burns for thee. I'm literally having heartburn right now, bae, because I have eaten so much ice cream in despair of our intangible love that I have gained like 300lbs. Maybe that's why our love is only in my head. We should play Wii Fit together so I can work off all my excessive curves. I mean, or I could continue wallowing in self pity.

Oh, my dearest love. Your intense, hot-cocoa-brown eyes are enough to melt my rushing heart. Your black hair is as dark as the most beautiful night and your tan skin represents the stars in the sky. If you are the fox, let me be the bunny rabbit to succumb to your will.

Eat and kill me, dearest, or love me. Without thy love I know I will die. So I mean if you love me that would be preventing a DEATH and you would be a hero. Plus, I mean you never know who might break your window and clorophorm you, bringing you to the Grand Canyon and torturing you until you admit that I am the only one you will ever love. Because after all the torture you might get thrown into the aforementioned Grand Canyon, leaving your entrails for some squirrel to come across and digest.

And then the squirrel will poop you out and I will find the squirrel poop and make a statue out of it in your figure, in remembrance of thy foxy hotness. Cuz DANG you're hot.

I wish I was a calculator so I could calculate your rating on a 1-10 scale. In my opinion you're a straight-up 9.572891, but there's got to be an equation to figure out the exact number. I know that calculators don't have feelings, but please tell me you would love me even if I was inanimate. I am inanimate without your love, my little cocoa puff.

If you were a legit cocoa puff I wouldn't eat you, but spare you until you were all stale and moldy to protect thy life. Our love will never be stale and moldy, though.

Anyway, ily bby.

❤️❤️❤️MP (Mary Poppins)