Lost || Lashton

Chapter 8

Song for the Chapter: Not Now by Blink 182

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Something I have never understood is the concept of life, why we're here, why I was here. Everybody wonders why, but no answers ever arise. They bury their suspicions and questions in religion and other reassuring beliefs. I have no clue why I was here, but I didn't want to be. I was sad, even more sad then I was before. I was silent, invisible, in the corner of my room. Or what used to be of it.

It had the same colours, same carpet, same windows. But the furniture was different and was uncomforting. Luke was sitting on his bed, staring up at the ceiling with tears going down his face. Bad day at school, I assumed. I heard him on the phone the other week, telling Calum he never actually came over. Calum believed it was a dream after he slept for the night, and I was once again unknown and unhelpful in this world. I may have been brought back by a God or some other higher force, though I was never a religious person before this whole experience. But there was a reason the darkness went away, why the years went by with me holding my head wishing for something else.

I haven't shown myself to Luke in two weeks, and whenever he was gone I would look in the mirror wondering who I was. Maybe my suicide never happened, and this was a drawn out hallucination about what would happen if I went through with it. The pain, the confusion, the never-ending curiosity as to why I was sitting in a familiar room with no familiarities. As days go by, my showing self was gaining colour and the bruise was gone. The dark under my eyes had faded and the light was brought back to my eyes. I found it harder to stay unnoticeable, invisible, and I could no longer switch my placement.

I was becoming alive again and I wasn't sure why I deserved it.

My attention was diverted as, for the sixth time, Luke calls for me. "Ashton, I'm sorry. I had no right to treat you the way I did." Each apology merged into each other with repetitiveness and loneliness. He didn't want me around for any reason other than to keep him company because he wasn't great socially. I get up from the corner, leaving the room through the open door. I head downstairs and open the front door, getting some fresh air on the porch.

I walk out to the front gate of the old house, the place I used to live. I exit out into the street, waiting for my forcing back into the house. But I didn't, and I didn't see the same four walls surrounding me. I continue walking, and allow myself to be seen. It was cold outside, but it didn't bother me. I hardly felt it. But on the other hand, I felt exposed. Out of place. People were wearing hats and gloves, jackets, and there I was with ripped skinny jeans and a short sleeve shirt.

I continued walking, seeing how the world was not disrupted by my death. How people felt so important, how their pain and suffering meant something to the general population. I thought that if I killed myself, nothing would happen. The horrible truth was that I was right. I was overly insignificant and it hurt me to know that. The more alive I was becoming, the more dead inside I felt. The depression creeping back up to my mental state, but knowing I was given a second chance for a reason.

I walked until sunset and I finally got to the graveyard, the only one in the small town. I walked around for a long time, following the dates. Until I saw it, my name. I fell to my knees, looking at the small, engraved stone that meant nothing to me; but at the same time defined my life at this point in time. I looked at the name, dragging my thumb across the indented letters. This is what has become of me. I leave the graveyard, going to a nearby hardware store. I didn't have money, and being aware of this I grabbed a shovel. I think about what I wanted, and was able to walk out; invisible. I set off the alarm and I ran, holding the visible shovel in my hand.

By the time I got back to the graveyard, I fell. Four boys had shovels in the dirt, in front of the stone that I was at twenty minutes ago.

There was a girl standing by, covering her mouth while watching the boys desecrate my grave. I recognize one of the boys as Calum Hood, the boy who used to save me from all my problems. "He said it was a dream but it was too vivid. Luke knows Ashton is back, that means he isn't in the grave." Calum said to the three boys in whom I did not recognize. Calum was digging my body up, as I walked up to them. Invisible, dropping the shovel. They all scream and look at the shovel on the ground.

"He's watching." One of the boys say. I shake my head vigorously, tears falling from my eyes. It took them almost an hour, or so it seemed, as I watched emotionless; leaning up against an unknown grave. I hear a hit, meaning they found my coffin.

"Calum." A boy says, calling him down. I get up as they open the dirty coffin, and I see an empty cushioned casket. I stumble back as they all gasp as well.

"I was at his funeral. He was in this coffin." Calum told the three boys and the girl.

I allow them to see me but they didn't see me at first. "It isn't my fault." I tell them, distraught. They all look up and drop their shovels, the girl screaming and running back towards a nice looking car.

I watched them look terrified of my existence, as I leave the cemetery. I walk into the nearest door, a convenience store. I go up to the counter and ask, "Can I use a phone?"

He hands me a nice looking phone, swiping the screen. He hands it to me, saying something as I tuned him out. I call the police, as the officer on the line asks what my emergency is. "Five kids are burying up a grave." I say.

"And what is your name sir?" He asks as I hang up.

"Thank you." I whisper to the worker.

I leave, walking back to the house. I see the boys and girl being put into cop cars, shovels on the ground. I look back down as they scream at me. I now know that I needed Luke, as much as he needed me. We were both lonely people, saving each other from an eternity of loneliness. I go back into the house, walking up the stairs and into my room. I see Luke sleeping as I close the door quietly as he moves around in his bed. I shake him awake as he opens his eyes to see me looking down at him. His blue eyes the only bright thing in the darkness of the room.