Mind Of A Slave

Promise

19.

Mama and I follow her inside. We sit side-by-side on my bed. Mama takes two carrot sticks out of her apron pocket and hands them to me. The sight of them suddenly unleashes the immense hunger inside me. I crunch on the first one as Beckey begins to speak.

"You ain't got no clue what them shots are for, Cass. Why you is sure they're all to do wid the war, I don't knows."

"But they gottta be. What else would they be for? Right, Mama?"

Mama sighs. "Beckey's right, Cassie. They aren't part of this war. I'm sorry, but we're not gonna be free."

I frown. "You's lying," I say quietly. "Mama, I knows you's lyin' cause you sayin' Cassie, like you tryna get me to believe somethin' that ain't true. An' you was talking like all a us an' you don't talk like that."

This time its Mama who frowns. "Like what?" She looks at Beckey.

"She know," Beckey says.

Mama hastily shakes her head.

"Cass, what do you mean?"

"I means you talkin' like me an' Beckey, when you was talkin' to Noah, an' it ain't like you. You talk real good, correct."

"Cass, I've told you before, I've been...educated"-

"I knows that, Mama," I say, "Jus' why you change the way you talk when you's talkin' to Noah?"

"I just did, there's no reason. I'm sorry Cass, I don't understand what you mean. The way I speak isn't important."

"Jus' don't know why you change, that's all. It ain't like you got somethin' to hide."

Mama doesn't say anything.

"Different people speak in different ways," Beckey says.

"I know, but..."

"It don't matter," Mama says sharply. I stare at her. Never in my life have I heard words explode out of her mouth with such force. The strength of that one sentence is enough to hold back all the questions that I long to ask, and instead I sit silently, tensely, as my confusion transforms into frustration and anger.

Then I remember the people dancing and singing in Amos's cabin.

"Mama, I told people I thought maybe the war was gone end...an' people believed me an' now they think we's maybe gone be free sometime."

"I know, I heard," says Mama, "but that's not the way it is, Cass. You can't assume that a few gunshots means war is approaching."

"Then what do they mean?"

"They could mean anything. Someone was out hunting, practising shooting. Some children's father was teaching them how to use a gun. Could have been anything."

"Then why did we run, if it were jus' somethin' like that?"

Mama hesitates. "Because we still don't know. Bullet could've hit us, even if it wasn't on purpose. An' we didn't know."

I start to cry. "Amos is gone wake up to everyone dancin' and singin' an' he's gonna think that we'll be free soon. What am I gonna tell 'im, Mama?"

"Tell him we jus' don't know," she says firmly, "an' tell him to still have hope."

"Tell all a them that," Beckey adds, "'Cause soon when the North don't come to free us, they's gone be real sad. So tell 'em maybe it will happen someday, so not to lose hope."

"But Cass..."

"Yes Mama?"

"Don't go to the woods again." She says seriously, "Please."

"Okay Mama, I won't, I promise."