Douleur (boyxboy)

Chapter 20

These past days had been so great. Everything went well except for a random text that I received that said "Don't spread your disease" which actually I didn't mind. Even though I didn't mind it I didn't bother to delete it.

My wound did heal already but we still went to Cathy for check-ups. With everything working so well I don't think something awful is going to happen. Surprisingly Nathan didn't dare to touch me until I healed. He did heed the advice of his mother because he knows better.

So much for the good happenings, he won't be able to fetch me because he said "I got work to do" and what can I do? It would be so selfish to push him right? I need to understand his situation so right now I am heading home.

Lately I began to realize what home means; it means being with someone who is close to you and important to you, and I realized that with Nathan, not that Patrick and my parents aren't important to me but this is a very different degree.

Home is hard to find when you've been through what I experienced, I felt completely lost at those very dark times. I didn't even know if I deserve to live, if I even belong here, but at those dark times the angel who guided me throughout—my brother, gave me light and hope and still darkness would eat me up.

There is this longing in me, but the longing was gone when I finally met Nathan, it's like he gave me a reason to live another day, he knows how to handle me. He makes me happy, every little thing he does make me happy.

Even though my parents are gone I still sort of long for their presence and every time I think about it my heart tend to get heavy. Moving on isn't really easy especially when you are under my situation, it is hard.

I wonder if the kids in the different orphanages feel the same way like I do, they don't have parents that's why they're there. There are lots of possibilities that they don't have parents though so I can't just simply base what I feel to theirs.

Going home alone is fine as long as there aren't so much people. I'm even farther from the flat than I know but the good thing is I walk and it's sort of an exercise. Well, working at the cafe is already a form of exercise especially when there are lots of people.

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What could he be doing right now? Maybe he is taking a break from making another project because from what I know it isn't easy. These past days, even though it was great, Nathan would be in his office when I go to work. I hope he isn't working that much because that would most likely make him tired knowing that he'd been pulling all-nighters to finish the project.

I knocked on the door but it didn't open, maybe he is still working. I entered the passcode and opened the door.

I don't know just what to say, to think, to feel, to do, the minute I saw what is in front of me. Is this what was going to happen when I chose this path?

"I can explain" Nathan said, going to me with boxers on.

"I don't need an explanation because what I see is enough" I said in frustration.

"Please just let me explain Alexander" he said gently.

The moment he said my name a pain struck me. My inside tightened.

"I'm so sorry" He added.

"So am I" I said.

I walked away from him, not even bothering as to whom the other person is. All I feel is pain and sadness. I thought he'd follow me but he didn't and that is when I took the signal that it will end right here.

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Later, I found myself in a cafe sitting with a coffee in my and instead of a beer. Why? A beer cannot help me solve this, what I need is something to sort things up.

The sky is turning to black and stars began to appear. I hope my life is as beautiful as the sky is now but it won't be, sometimes the stars won't appear and that's reality.

You need courage to solve a problem; dwelling with your problem and not looking for the solution would bring you more stress. So what I did, well, what he did is call me to say that he would want to talk to me and I said yes. I need to end this in a proper manner.

I don't look like a trash. I did not want to look good in front of him; I just don't want people to see me look so pathetic. I got money, I have a work, and I earn money because of it. I went to a hotel, got a room and rested then went here.

Thing is everything I'm wearing is black, and just now, I realized I look good in black.

"Alex" Nathan said while standing.

"Please do sit down" I said, like I'm in a business meeting of some sort.

"Let me explain" He said.

"I only have one question"

"I promise I'll answer in all honesty"

"Did you have sex with him?"

He looked shocked and distracted.

"I'm sorry"

"That's a yes then. You know, my heart can be fixed, but the trust that you broke can't be fixed. Wait, it can be fixed, but you can see the cracks on it"

"I love you"

"So did I, the last minute until I saw you with him"

"Please"

"Please what?"

"Please stay with me"

"I don't think I will. We had a good run. But all things come to an end, and ours just ended"

"I won't accept that"

"You have no choice. I have my own life and I can make my own decisions"

"What should I do to have you back?"

"Send me all the expenses you had to pay because of me; I'll give you the money back"

"No. I will not do that. All the money I spent for you was worth it"

"Up to you then. Forgiving is easy but forgetting would be the hardest part"

"Will you give me another chance?"

"Chances should be given to people who are worth of it, are you?"

"I'll try to be"

"It's too late" My phone started to ring.

"It's Patrick, I'll take this call. I'm not sure if I'll go back here, after all we're done"

I went out and took the call.

"Hi Alex, how are you?"

"Patrick, I'm staying with you. Please get me here"

"Sure I'm coming"

"We're over"

"Tell me when we are done settling"

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I explained to Patrick everything, all of it, right from the start. He never said a word to me for a week after I said it. This is the consequence but it's ok. I can live with this; my life has been ruined since the day my parents died.

I didn't know how he managed to find this place, Nathan actually went here looking for me. I never went down, Patrick tried to control his anger but he exploded and punched Nathan.

Pain is inevitable, Pain will come out when you are weak, Pain is already part of us, under our happiness, Pain is just there, sitting and waiting to strike. One perk of loving is experiencing Pain.

As to me and Nathan, I don't know. I can't tell. He's already made a room in my heart, and he destroyed it, yet, I do not know if things would go well again between the two of us.

They say "love is sweeter the second time around", well let's see.