Love at First Smile

Start of Something New

I went back to get my last paycheck. I can't wait to have my first walk at the customer's entrance after a year and three months. I'm excited, thrilled and yet quite nervous and panicky for some reasons I don't really know. I packed my stuffs and the food I'll be bringing for the people at the office. It was a long journey but I was able to get there on time. I went home immediately, changed my clothes and went on with my interview. Whew. Quite a hectic schedule but I just have to deal with this. I started it. I have to finish it. 

I was able to pull it off. When I entered the building, a lot of comments were thrown up, questions for my plans, inquiries on why I've resigned. I just smiled and told them that I wanted to be in a different environment this time. I love the people here. I really do. Yet I just have to grow. I need to explore my capabilities. I have to set my career path in an escalating manner. I want to be in an organization where I can see myself improving and climbing up the ladder towards the corporate world. 

I took my clearance slip from our Human Resource staff and complied with everything that has to be filled up. I got my paycheck and stayed late at the office having some catching up with everyone. It was a lovely night and I'd definitely miss all of them. When I went down, I was surprise with the paper handed to me by Jenny. "It's his number. Send him a message." Then she left. Goodness! I definitely would send him a message. That's a sure thing. 

I shopped a little and went home afterwards. Days after which, I spent it on eating a lot at different places, hanging around and enjoying the freedom. I was so preoccupied with these things that I never realize that I still haven't sent him a message. It was when Ms. Jane told me that he hasn't heard from me ever since I got his number that I realize I never did sent him any message yet. Then Ms. Jane asked me if he could have my number and it got me giggling and all thrilled with the idea.  

It was still a few days after that day when he sent a message. It goes like this, "Hi, Tracy." It got me puzzled. Who is this? A lot of things were going on my mind. Is it my ex-boyfriend? Is it Rain? I'm still undecided to reply but I took the risk of whatever it may be and replied. "Who is this?" And he replied, "It's Toby." Toby? I know a lot of Toby. Which one of them? "Toby? I'm really sorry but I know a lot of Toby." I felt stupid not to realize that it was already him. I've been having a lot of thoughts lately that I wasn't sure of anything yet. Then his reply sent butterflies in my belly. "Toby Chase." 

It's really him. I was all-too excited and so happy. I can't even pull down the lever on my face as that wide smile flash across my lips that day. 

We had a long conversation and I find it easy to talk to him. He makes himself open to me and I can't help but open up with him as well. I feel so welcomed being his friend and so he is to me as well. Then the surprising statement came. "I don't really know you. I'm not even familiar with you. I may have seen you but not really recognize you and yet having this conversation with you makes me happy." He blurted out. Oh no. Oh my. Geez. I thought he remembered me. I thought our first meeting was the most special day. Well it is. It was, just for me, I guess. He never recognized me. All the flirting was useless and yet my hopes are still up. We make a good and interesting conversation. That's just what it takes. Right? 

A week after, I passed by the building. I was riding on a jeepney. When I glanced at the door, I saw him and he smiled brilliantly at me. I can't help but smile too and even waved at him. There's something about him that makes every nerve in my body go electrified. 

That night, I sent him a message saying that I was surprised to see him changing post already. He was surprised as well to realize that it was me whom he has seen that day. He recognized me but he never did fathom that I was the one whom he's been sending messages lately.  

We don't really talk a lot and yet the communication is constant. And that's a good sign, isn't it? I dread for him to send me a message and yet maybe it's also a good thing we rarely talk. Every conversation we have makes me feel excited and giggling. It shoots up scent of flowers in my head and I'm really looking forward for every talk we'll going to have. 

He promised to take me on "date" sometime in the future. He knows that I can go out anytime unless of course I've got new schedules to insert in my planner.  

I really don't want to expect anything great from both of us, what we could have, if there is a possibility of any. I know that, still, he isn't the guy for me. He is good-looking, nice, and someone who captured my heart and yet, like my past, he's still not the one. I know it in my heart. And yet, I still want to enjoy this unexplainable feeling I have for him. I love the feeling of having that feeling of being in love but not actually falling in love yet. Crazy, right? I'm too young and I'm looking for someone who could get me through emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and even financially. I'd like to be practical in some sense. 

I like him and yet, it's not sufficient enough. I may be able to love him but we still won't have a happy ever after. I love him and yet I won't be able to give him the love he so deserves. And I'll be fooling myself to say that he is the one after all.  

I remember what my Mom told me once. Be very sure with what you commit into. Be dedicated to it and be real to what you really want. Don't just commit and not wanting it afterwards. 

I have to be sure of what I'm involving myself into. It's a good thing that we're just friends, maybe beyond but still undefined. I don't want to put labels on it. I don't want to expect. I don't want to keep my hopes up. I don't like commitments. I'm more comfortable with no strings attached that tie us up to each other. I want to establish a relationship but not something that would take me into having sacrifices for what we should have. I'm afraid to take chances. I'm scared taking risks. I don't want to do something that I could not be sure of. 

I like him. Maybe, I'd even love him. But I like what we have now. And I hope it'll remain this way. He's too nice to have his broken and to be with somebody who dreams of breaking somebody's heart.