Love at First Smile

All Over Again

Matt and I were back together again. We've been spending more time with each other now that Toby and I aren't together anymore. Matt was delighted when he knew about it although he didn't let it show but I know he was happy to hear that everything between Toby and I was over. I am still devastated with what happen. I just can't accept that everything's gone between Toby and I, that he's gone in my life, because I was never patient enough for what I could have with Toby. I settled with Matt and this is what I get.  

I longed to be with Toby. I need him. I really do love him. I longed for him. Why do I have to commit that stupid mistake? I could have ended it before it even started. I could have just avoided him. Why do I have to get back to Matt at a point when everything's going well between Toby and I? 

I'm having a great time with Matt but something is so wrong about it. Being with Matt doesn't feel right. There's something off about it. I don't know what it is but I just can't bring myself to having an affair again with Matt. 

It's fun being with Matt but I'm still terribly missing Toby. I'm dreading to be with him. I just can't seem to get him off my mind, and heart and soul. It seems like I've imprinted on him. It's like I've finally found my one true love in him.  

It's been months already and yet I felt that there's something missing in me. I'm still hoping that someday Toby will find it in his heart to forgive me. I'm still holding on to that chance that we might be together again someday. 

I felt myself withdrawing to Matt. His stories don't seem to be interesting at all. His caress doesn't seem to be passionate anymore. His whispers of love don't seem to be melting my heart after all. It feels like the feeling of disgust is washing all over me again, just like before. 

One night, Matt noticed my silence. He knew something is wrong. And he can feel like it's all happening again. This is what it feels like when we broke up a year ago. 

When we were at the cottage, he spoke up first. "This is not what I'm thinking it is, isn't it? Please Tracy. Tell me it's not. Tell me that I'm just overreacting and you're just stressed today. Please don't tell me you're breaking up with me again. We just had each other back. We're meant for each other." 

He hugged me so tight I thought I might collapse. Then he places his head on my shoulders and started crying. I cried too. I could just tell him that it's not what he thinks it is. I could just lie to him and tell him that I'm not breaking up with him, that I'm just tired and I've got nothing to tell him. And yet I can no longer lie to him. I have to tell him. 

I don't want to do this and yet I have to. I need to. Things are not just right. It feels so wrong. Everything feels so off. It just doesn't feel good. 

"Matt, I know. This is hard for me too. I felt myself crushing as well. I've broken your heart too many times already. Last year was the hardest. I felt so bad, so mean, so unfair to you. But everything we have just feels so wrong. It seems too off. It was just like before. There's something not right about it and I just can't continue having this relationship with you and feel guilty every time I'm with you. I felt like we're committing the same mistakes again and I can't let myself to hold on to it no matter how pleasurable it is." 

"I don't want to hurt you Matt. It pains me to see you hurting. I know you're tired of hearing me say sorry to you but I really do. I'm really sorry for what I have been doing to you. I'm sorry because I never should have started this over again." 

"I should have stopped myself from letting you fall for me again. I should have prevented myself from provoking you. I should have just avoided you. I should have ended this right from the start. I should have..." 

Matt silenced me and I can see him smiling now, that same bitter smile he had a year ago. "Stop it already. I knew this moment will be coming. I just never expected it to be so soon. Don't regret that we ever saw each other again. Yes, I may have been hurt but those few months had been the best days of my life. I love you Aubrey. I never stopped loving you. I have always loved you, still loving you and will always love you. Nothing could take that away from me. And I'll just be hurt over and over again but that's how it is. Stop crying now or I'll be angry at you." 

I'm at a loss for words. I just don't know what to say to him. I just stared at him for a long time not knowing what to do until he hugged me. And we just lay there, just like we used to. 

We parted ways. I kissed him. I'll definitely miss him but all of this has to end already. I'm not going back to Toby but I'll end everything that I have with Matt. Everything's just so wrong, it feels so off and I can't go on with this throughout my lifetime.