Love at First Smile

Why does it have to end this way?

Even without words being said, I know we belong to each other. We've been committed to one another and I could say that we are exclusively dating. Words are not able to really describe the "thing" between us. 

I did not say yes to his question but I also did not say no. I just keep it hanging for now and Matt's okay with it, I think. He said that maybe we should take everything more slowly and he promised to graduate first before really having a relationship with me which is very much okay with me. 

I actually admire his aspiration for this. I am really fascinated with people who aim for change and improvement. I have really high regards for his desire to finish college. And I like that he wants to be really serious with me after accomplishing everything he has to do, prioritizing more important things. 

After that afternoon, our meet-ups have become often. We would have our late night talks after his duty. We would go to church together sometimes. We eat out at some occasions and talk a lot of things we don't know about each other yet. We are getting to know each other slowly through the course of our "friendship." 

He talks about his family; his mom, dad and siblings. I could really see his care for his family. He loves them. You could see those burning passion for his family in his eyes. Even with the little things they have, they're happy being together.  

He tells me all his dreams, his hopes, his desires in life. He shares to me his yearning to know more about God. He longs to increase in the grace and knowledge of God. And I admire him for that. He's never ashamed about it.  

I'm blessed to be born in a family already rooted and educated about God. I never felt how he have felt or maybe I did but not to the same extent as his. And with that, I want to fill that gap in his heart. If God will allow, I want to share to Toby what I know about God, his grace, his mercy, his greatness and glory. 

With that, I also find it easy to tell him my dreams as well. I told him my passion for growth, for change, for learning, for improvement. I shared my greatest joys, my utmost fears, and my relationship with God, my family, my friends.  

He made me tell the story of my past, how I grew up as the little girl of a minister and a teacher, the kind of environment I grew up, my failures, my accomplishments and my ambitions. He lets me share everything and he's just there listening to everything I have to say. 

No one has ever done that for me. Nobody has ever been like that for me. No one has made me feel so important like that feeling he made me feel. 

There may be times that we don't get each other's thoughts and opinions. We have this kind of barrier that he doesn't get what I mean. And with that, I'm letting myself adjust to the situation. 

He always asks sorry for these moments and I always remind him that it doesn't matter; that everything's okay and he has nothing to worry about. I know that we grew up in a totally different environment and I should be the one adjusting.  

And yet it doesn't really matter. I love him and I know that that's all it takes to make this relationship work out. I believe it's the only medium to keep what is ours going on. Or is it really? 

Toby and I were walking down the road towards McDonald's when I felt blood drained out of my body. I froze. It's Matt, my ex-boyfriend. 

"Hey, Trace, are you okay? You look pale all of a sudden. What's happening?" I can't seem to hear the words Toby were saying. I felt so lost and so confused. I never know how I would feel towards Matt until right at this moment. 

"Tracy. Good to see you here. How are you?" I felt speechless. I can't still erase in my mind that night we broke up. I won't forget those eyes who cried out all his strength the night we ended everything between us. I won't forget the man who had always loved me. I will never forget that person right in front of me, who has always been by my side, has never left and did not give up on me until I did.