Love at First Smile

Game Over

At first, everything between us is going fine, Toby and me. I thought it was. Matt and I still communicate with each other, same place and same hour. And we would still have those stolen moments. We would kiss like we're just still together. He held me in his arms like I'm the only girl in his life. He whispers words full of love and passion that I felt like I'm falling in love with him all over again. 

And yet I spend most of my time with Toby. It's him whom I'm having a relationship with. That at the least I can claim is true. I really love him. I totally adore him. I liked him even before and have fallen for him even more when we've got to know each other. 

We've become closer than before. We've been more intimate. I never felt that I could be this much attached to someone else. I'm clinging to him like a little child seeking protection. 

Toby never asked anything about my meeting with Matt the last time. And he still doesn't know that I'm occasionally seeing Matt. I know I should tell him and yet I am afraid that he might get angry. I can't get myself into confessing with Toby. I am just afraid, and of what it is, I still don't know yet. 

I can't let myself doing it again, starting everything all over again.  

We went out for a snack, Toby and I. While waiting for our orders, I excused myself to the comfort room leaving my phone on the table. I never thought it would do any harm to leave it there. I was wrong. I never had the slightest thought that it would be the start of something tragic for both Toby and I. 

Matt sent a message after I went to the bathroom. He wants to meet me that night. He returns to calling me kisses like we used to. Toby was currently looking over the pictures when he came across the message. Upon reading, he was tormented, devastated and was angry for what has been going on between me and Matt. But he just kept silent about it. He was just quiet. He never said anything to me. 

At first I thought it was normal, that he's just particularly silent at that day. When he walked me home, he never said goodbye. He never kissed me like he used to. What seems to be going on? 

My thoughts were interrupted by a call from Matt. "Hey, did you receive my message? Is it on for tonight?" Message. What message is Matt talking about? "Oh, yes I did. I'll be going." When I opened my phone, there was no message from Matt. Could it be that Toby have read it and deleted it afterwards? What could he be thinking by now? Was that the reason why he has been quite throughout that time we we're together? I have to tell him soon. I have to admit what I've done. I have to finish everything between us, between me and Matt. 

Later that night, I arranged my things and went to see Matt. This is it. This is the last of my stolen meetings with him. He kissed me when I arrived and placed his hands on the small of my back. I did not avoid it. Not now. I still have to break a bad news for him. My mind tells me to be simple with it, to go ahead with the confession, but I just can't, not for a while. 

We had a long talk. He told me everything that has happened to him for the past weeks. He seems so happy with it. He asked me what I did as well. I can't bring myself unto telling him about breaking up again. Maybe I could do it some other time. 

Afterwards, we had our short interlude, our intimate moments, the stolen kisses, the forbidden caress, the clandestine affair we have. 

When we parted, he gave me a lingering kiss on the lips. I just felt him right then, his body pressed in mine, He gave me that inordinate desire to want him, to have him. It's just that when I'm with him it all feels so good and yet I feel guilty. He placed a quick kiss on my forehead and then I went my way. 

I have to really end this when I come back. This has to stop. I can't lie to Toby anymore. I can't hurt him. I don't want to. It would crush me more to see him hurting that it would to him. I just can't bear it.  

Things got busy at the office afterwards. I never got the time to talk to Toby or Matt. And then Toby and I had never seen each other for quite some time now. It's feels like a long time now. I really missed him.  

Well, it's not new that I never heard from. He seldom sends a message and yet he never returns my call. I can't seem to reach him. He doesn't call back. Something's wrong, really, really wrong but I couldn't place a finger on what it really is. I'll find it out. I'm definitely finding it out. 

When everything at works seems to be doing good and everything went smoothly again, I went home for a visit. I never told anyone. I just thought Toby would like it if I surprise him. I went to his house first. I just wanted to see him right now. I really missed him so much. 

I knocked at the door but nobody seems to be answering. I tried the lock and the house was just open. I let myself in and went to his room; only to find out that he's busy giggling with a girl. There's nothing much going on except the talk but I can sense that there's a lot going on than what I'm seeing just now. I don't have the right to be furious since I'm also involved with Matt but I can't help but feel angry about it. 

I was silent just for a while. I still need to control my feelings. I need to be calm. When Toby realized that there's someone at the door, he turned and was just about surprised seeing me.  

"What's this?" I just stand there, across, staring at them. He seems not be moved with my question. He was surprised all right but he was never alarmed by my presence. 

"What? You're not my girlfriend Tracy. I can be with any girl I like, just like you could be with any guy you want. For one, you could be with Matt right now." 

"What are you talking about? What do you mean? What is this Toby? What did I do to you? Tell me, what's the problem with us Toby?" 

I am scared to hear his answers. I know that he knows but I just have to hear it from him. It would be painful. It would be full of accusations. It would hurt like a knife searing right through my flesh. 

"Are you kidding me Trace? You're playing games with me? Well, I guess, I just have to get along with it, right? I read the message. I followed you that night. I saw everything. Who are we kidding here Aubrey? How long has it been? How long have I been a fool over you? We may not be committed but you could just have told me you're getting back to him. Everything ended that night you betrayed me." He was angry now. His eyes were full of hurt and disappointment. I can't make excuses for myself. I know I was wrong and I can't do anything about it. 

"I'm so sorry Toby. I know I should have told you but I was afraid. I'm scared. Can't we talk about it? Can't we settle this? Can't we start over?" I was pleading, begging. I can't lose him now. I just can't. 

"It's over Aubrey. We're done. You still love him and there's nothing I can do about it. And besides, the trust has just been broken. I don't think I could ever trust you again. I tried to be honest with you but you never did. I just can't bear to think of being hurt again. Not anymore. Just go home Trcacy. I just don't want to see you. 

With that, he closed the door to his room and I was left staring at it and cried. No, this can't be. Why is this happening to me, to us? Why is that when everything was going on well, it just has to end?  

I just let go of that one person who has truly loved me, who has truly been honest to me. I failed. I fooled him. I lied to him. And he's never coming back to me. I'll never get him back. He's gone. Forever.