Through the Tunnel

Chapter 18: Out of the Woods

We kissed for a very long time. I mean a long time...

In fact, it was only when I saw it was quarter past 12 that I decided maybe we should be doing something else with our time together so I picked a movie out and we sat and watched it until my mum came back at about five past 1.

"Hey, how was your day?" she asked, coming into the lounge and sitting opposite us on the armchair.

"Fine" I said. "Do you remember Ashley? From camp?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah, why do you ask?"

"Because she came round to see how I was, she read about it in a newspaper and she works for the camp now and she wants me to apply as well" I spat out in one go. No point in waiting.

"Oh" she said, processing it.

"Do you think I should?" I asked.

"I think she should" Steven interrupted.

"Yeah, I do too" she said after thinking it over for a second. "That sounds like it could be really good for you actually".

"Exactly" Steven said. I shushed him and turned back to my mum. Annoyingly I think she's right.

I pushed the subject away for the rest of the day and come evening I took Steven up to my room so we could finish watching the film we started earlier, since my dad wanted the TV in the living room for sports.

We laid on my bed with my head tucked into his shoulder as I let the peace and quiet take up all the space in my mind.

I didn't want to think about anything anymore. I realised something, something that scared me.

"Steven" I said seriously, he paused the TV and looked at me.

"What, up?" he asked.

"What do you think would have happened if I had died?" I responded with a question of my own.

He couldn't help but laugh a little, although I expected no less from someone who almost pissed himself laughing at his exam results.

"When?" he asked, after a deep breath.

"When we were-" I began, trying to find the right word "lost".

He thought about it. Not the best sign although I should give him some credit, he was never one to think about things, I need to remember not to forget that.

"Well," he said "your family would be devastated, your mum would not be able to cope, I know that, your friends would live the rest of their life missing you and would be lacking some serious fun in their lives" he listed as many things as he could, trying to give me the answer I wanted but he wasn't even close.

"What?" he asked as he caught my expression.

"Well, I've realised I've spent my whole life making everyone's lives fun, not to sound too vain about it, but it's true. I do all the crazy shit I do to make stories to be told about 'that crazy bitch that jumped off the bridge into the lake in summer' and 'that girl who pole danced on the pole in the fire station after sneaking in that night'. If I died, it wouldn't be a case of 'oh, she had her whole life planned out that she doesn't get to live' it would be 'oh how will I ever have fun now'.

"I've literally done everything I do for the sake of other people when I've not even thought about myself or what I want to do.

"When Phil isn't obsessing over the Jonas Brothers, he applies for fashion magazine apprenticeships and works on his designs, when Lauren isn't being... Lauren... She takes photos and works on her portfolio, I don't ever stop being... me... I never do anything for me." I explained. Saying it out loud felt oddly pleasing and yet somehow I'm still crying.