rogue

sixteen

"So what are we going to do now?" I ask him, my lips still hovering over his.

He slips his hands under the hem of my sweater and rests his forehead against mine. "The same things as before, the only difference is that now we know it means something."

I crinkle my nose, and he chuckles. "You need more than that, don't you?" I nod in response.

"Okay, it means that I want you. That I want to spend as much time with you as possible, that I can kiss you as often as I want, that I can sleep with you whenever and wherever I want." I smack his arm. "Okay, fine, it means that you have a say in this as well. It also means that I won't share you, and before you get your panties in a twist, you don't have to share me either." My heart jumps at that. "That we're just seeing where this is going and enjoying what we have now. Did I forget anything?"

"I think you pretty much covered it all."

He pulls back a little and gives me a strange look. "I forgot something."

"Okay?"

"I won't keep us a secret."

"I wouldn't want you to. What makes you even say that?"

"Because... when my mom said-" I cut him off.

"Finn, I wasn't—I am not embarrassed. I was just not sure what you think about us, and I was scared that we would have a conversation about it and end up seeing it completely differently."

That he would even think that is ridiculous.

"How could you not know? It was more than obvious to everyone, and you..." He shakes his head in disbelief.

"I don't know what you're talking about—for whom exactly it was obvious—but I could say the same thing to you."

"You don't know a lot, huh?" He chuckles.

"Ha ha." I squint my eyes.

"Chloe," he says more seriously now. "I didn't know. I sound like an asshole, but I was always so concerned with myself and what I'm going through—for a long time, I didn't notice what was going on around me. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I gave you such a hard time. I'm sorry that I pushed you away, but I couldn't deal with you. Hell, not even with myself."

"Oh, Finn." I manage to say with a lump in my throat and bury my face into the crook of his neck. "It's okay. What's important is what you're doing right now. That you're here with me now."

I don't know what else to say.

No, that's a lie. I want to tell him that I love him. I want to tell him that I've never loved anyone as much as I love him—that I forgive him.

But I bite my tongue. I don't tell him all these things because even though I want to... I'm not that brave yet.

He soothingly lets his hands travel up and down my back. "It's not okay, but I will make up for it. I promise."

"Okay," I say, kiss his chin, and cup his face with my hands. "You're already doing a pretty good job at that," I tell him.

He's making up for it, and that is what counts.

***

In his car, he lets me pick out the music, and to say that I'm surprised would be an understatement.

"What? I'm allowed to touch your precious radio?" I say in mock surprise. "Wow."

Finn rolls his eyes. "Consider it a little perk of being with me."

"I thought you'd mention being the best friend I've ever had," I say, my focus still on the radio until I find the perfect song.

"Well, that too." He pauses for a moment, realizing which song I chose. "Clever." Finn bursts into laughter as I start singing along.

I've got two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby

Come with me Friday, don't say maybe

I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby, like you"

Ooohoo hoo hooooooo

"You know," he says and turns the volume lower.

"Hey," I start to protest. "I like that song."

"Psh!" He shushes me and takes my hand in his, his left hand still on the steering wheel. "I was just thinking that when my parents met, my dad sang that song for her too. Even more than 21 years later, she still talks about it." A soft smile plays around his lips. "Even as a little kid, I knew that what they have is something different. When I went to my friends' houses and saw their parents interact, I would always think about how different it was with my mom and dad. Was it the way they looked or talked with each other, or simple gestures in general? My dad can't stand a minute without touching her somehow, like her hand or her arm, like he just wants to remind himself that she's there. And it's the same for my mom. It's sometimes overwhelming to be in the same room as them, but... and I know it's weird to say that about my own parents, but seeing how much they love each other, seeing that this exists, it gives me hope somehow. That even though life messed with them, even though it was hard... they became so strong together, and I want that too."

I say nothing; I just let his words sink in because all my life I was thinking the exact same thing.

I mean, I know that my parents love each other, and they didn't have it easy either, but I never paid much attention to their relationship.

But Damien and Noelle?

I grew up wishing for what they have. I longed for this kind of love.

"Say something, Chloe," Finn's worried voice interrupts my train of thought.

"I don't know what to say," I admit and turn to stare at his beautiful face. "You keep surprising me."

"You thought I'd be too much of a heartless monster to think about love and what I want for my life, huh? Well, I think I can't even blame you."

"No, Finn," I tell him and ignore his teasing. "I thought about that. I want that too. Even as a little girl, I knew what I wanted." I wanted you, I add silently. "I just never thought that we grew up wanting the exact same things. You're hard to read, Finn Warren. It's hard to figure you out. I'm an open book, but you... you're not. I have to guess and hope with you. I'm never sure of anything. You're good at closing yourself off, pretending to not care, and letting people see what you want them to see. So, it's something I have to get used to now. You opening up and sharing your thoughts with me, I mean."

"I used to be really good at that. You're right." His voice drops low.

"Good at what?" I ask carefully, hoping I'm not pushing him too much.

"At not letting anything close to me," he whispers.

*******************************

Love Jessy xx